Consultrac 

A software program used to track the amount of time spent on various projects. This would be a particularly useful program were it not mandatory to enter the time into the system that they were expecting to come out the other end.

I entered my time into Consultrac, but they made me go back and change the entries to meet their budgeted values.

Consultrac by Anonymous May 2, 2003

Ass. Consultant

Abbreviation for 'Associate Consultant', some bullshit job title to give younger employees a false sense of hope that their job means something. Commonly found in rural consultancies in St. Ives. Sometimes loaned out sexually to clients to secure deals.

Client: 'The proposal is pretty good, but the quote is too high'
Hobb Knob: 'Have one of my ass. consultants for the night, not the yank though, he's spoiled goods and has an arse like a grapefruit'
Client: 'Deal, we'll sign off in the morning'

Ass. Consultant by RandyRhoads84 December 25, 2016

Consultant 

An unemployed white male

Dave is a consultant.

Consultant by Justin1234321 January 31, 2019

Consultant 

Glorified business hooker, typically hired by a consulting whorehouse, which pimps out its consultants to clients, then proceed to fuck the consultants over until they're pleased (or until the consultants are dead), pay the whorehouse big bucks, leaving the consultant with little commission (including some hotel and airline points) and lasting trauma.

Hopeful college grad: What are some key qualities I need to have be a consultant?
Experienced consultant: Be able to handle long crippling fuckings and be okay with shortened lifespan

A: You're a consultant? What are some of the most exotic places you've traveled to for work?
B: I once traveled to bumblefuck Western Virginia for a year. The only view from my hotel was of a large mine or some sort of a blackhole where no light escaped.

Consultant by TPain Not Impressed June 22, 2014

Constracted 

Combination of confusion and distraction; Confusion caused by distraction.

Sorry, I was constracted due to the interesting conversation those people are having, how did you fix this?

Have you figured out the problem yet? "No I was constracted."

Constracted by Gumybob November 5, 2009

Consultants of Swing 

Specialist consultants brought in to tip the balance of vital swing stages during elections.

The Donald: We're down in the polls, bring in the consultants of swing for Florida.
Advisor: I'm on it

The Donald: Remember, no Russians. NO COLUSION.

Consultants of Swing by RandyRhoads84 May 21, 2020

Consultant 

A self-proclaimed expert that extorts inflated fees from a host company in return for vague and predominently incorrect business advice.
The successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. Thus, the successful consultant's term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. Note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
In order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements' lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. By using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an assignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host's employees.

"The consultant said that, once he has some free band-width, he will interface with his vast array of important contacts, leverage some syergies, and bring us up to speed with the rest of the industry.....No, really, those were his exact words."

Consultant by Booger Snow August 2, 2008