Glorified business hooker, typically hired by a consulting whorehouse, which pimps out its consultants to clients, then proceed to fuck the consultants over until they're pleased (or until the consultants are dead), pay the whorehouse big bucks, leaving the consultant with little commission (including some hotel and airline points) and lasting trauma.
Hopeful college grad: What are some key qualities I need to have be a consultant?
Experienced consultant: Be able to handle long crippling fuckings and be okay with shortened lifespan
A: You're a consultant? What are some of the most exotic places you've traveled to for work?
B: I once traveled to bumblefuck Western Virginia for a year. The only view from my hotel was of a large mine or some sort of a blackhole where no light escaped.
Experienced consultant: Be able to handle long crippling fuckings and be okay with shortened lifespan
A: You're a consultant? What are some of the most exotic places you've traveled to for work?
B: I once traveled to bumblefuck Western Virginia for a year. The only view from my hotel was of a large mine or some sort of a blackhole where no light escaped.
by TPain Not Impressed June 22, 2014
A self-proclaimed expert that extorts inflated fees from a host company in return for vague and predominently incorrect business advice.
The successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. Thus, the successful consultant's term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. Note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
In order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements' lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. By using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an assignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host's employees.
The successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. Thus, the successful consultant's term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. Note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
In order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements' lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. By using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an assignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host's employees.
"The consultant said that, once he has some free band-width, he will interface with his vast array of important contacts, leverage some syergies, and bring us up to speed with the rest of the industry.....No, really, those were his exact words."
by Booger Snow July 11, 2008
A person who will never make six figures and will definitely not be able to have a starting salary of $140,000. Consultants are often considered the least interesting people in the office, and are often hated by everyone.
by OnOheeHa March 18, 2015
by 666Mike999 August 17, 2006
The act of telling your client you know how to "grab the low hanging fruit" or that task "is like trying to rearrange the deck furniture on the Titanic." One then charges a ton of money to the client for something that could have easily been done by a trained monkey. This scam continues to the next client once the original realizes they can do the same work for much cheaper.
I was going to work for a large bank, but then I realized I could do easier work and make more money consulting for the banks, by using meaningless phrases executives love to hear.
by spivtron August 6, 2012
by Richard Kirshen October 24, 2003