Finnius comes from the
latin term for fondle or to fondle. He is hung like a jackal on heat and can drink more than a thirsty bavarian who has been stuck in a dessert for a year and a half. He looks like the cancerous scrotum of a hunched-over man on a humid afternoon. Finnius' pick-up tactics are sometimes described as Stephen Hawking talking dirty, and as such, he often is successful with
high school P.E. teachers. Finnius was not born - he was cultivated from embryonic stem cells to be the perfect human. However, things went horribly wrong during the fourth month of his
mother's pregnancy. She suffered a horrific upper
cut, crippling her and forcing her to wait out the final trimester in a cave. Finnius spent the first two years of his life in a beaker, subsisting off the shriveled limbs of amputees.
Finnius is a simple
man with few luxuries in life
bar a subscription to Men's Fitness and a proclivity for whipping it out in public. His is also the proud owner of a safe deposit box stocked with flannel and wood shavings for use during
lumberjack role-
play. He has few friends, in part due to his tendency to leave passive aggressive post-it notes, but also due to his persistent 30 Rock references. Finnius' dreams include but are not limited to: being the on-tour tap dance choreographer for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers; growing his beard until it intertwines with his pubic
hair; breaking the Guinness World Record for longest possible
time to repair a moped.
