ShartCon is a condition that is much
like the DEFCON system used by the Department of Defense.
A ShartCon Alert is declared for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:
Abdominal
pain combined with mild nausea and vile gurgling from the stomach.
The 24-48 hours following a drinking binge.
During flu-
like symptoms, as well as while on some antibiotics.
For at least 4 hours immediately following a confirmed assblast.
When a ShartCon Alert is declared, a severity level is assigned in descending order of severity from 5 to
1. (A 5 is technically a "Shart Watch" level)
Each individual varies as to what level they are at under the given symptoms and circumstances, as well as the procedures for increasing or decreasing their ShartCon Levels. Criteria that are universal while in ShartCon levels 4 through 2 include the golden rule:
One must ALWAYS test fart. Remember the tried and true phrase "
Don't want to Shart? TEST FART!". The lower the level, the more cautious the test fart. While under ShartCon 2,
one must stay within striking distance of acceptable sit-down toilet facilities.
ShartCon
1, the most sever level, requires a strict adherence to the following:
You must remain in
sphincter-lock until condition improves to at least FartCon 2. This means no
test farts of any kind.
You must stay within 30
feet of OPEN toilet facilities.
If you must sleep in FartCon
1, you must make the necessary bed preparations (towels, wearing multiple pairs of expendable pants garments, etc).
Once you've successfully passed a
non-Shart on the toilet, you may choose at that time to downgrade to SC 2.
BEWARE of the Fart &
Sweat as this can lull you into a false sense of
confidence and cause you to tragically downgrade while still very much at risk.
