ShartCon is a condition that is much like the DEFCON
system used by the Department of Defense.
A ShartCon Alert is declared for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:
Abdominal pain combined with mild nausea and vile gurgling from the stomach.
The
24-48 hours following a drinking binge.
During flu-like symptoms, as well as while on some antibiotics.
For at least 4 hours immediately following a confirmed assblast.
When a ShartCon Alert is declared, a severity level is assigned in descending order of severity from 5 to 1. (A 5 is technically a "Shart Watch" level)
Each individual varies as to what level they are at under the given symptoms and circumstances, as well as the procedures for increasing or decreasing their ShartCon Levels. Criteria that are universal while in ShartCon levels 4 through 2 include the golden rule:
One must
ALWAYS test fart. Remember the tried and true phrase "Don't want to Shart? TEST FART!". The lower the level, the more cautious the test fart. While under ShartCon 2, one must
stay within striking distance of acceptable sit-down
toilet facilities.
ShartCon 1, the most sever level, requires a strict adherence to the following:
You must remain in sphincter-lock until condition improves to at least FartCon 2. This means no
test farts of any kind.
You must
stay within 30
feet of OPEN
toilet facilities.
If you must sleep in FartCon 1, you must make the necessary
bed preparations (towels, wearing multiple pairs of expendable
pants garments, etc).
Once you've successfully passed a non-Shart on the
toilet, you may choose at that time to downgrade to
SC 2.
BEWARE of the Fart &
Sweat as this can lull you into a false sense of confidence and cause you to tragically downgrade while still very much at risk.
Rick: Dude, sliders at 4 AM after 5 pitchers of Stag? I am at ShartCon 3 for sure.
Jenny: Ooohhhh I don't know if that is feeling like just a fart or not...
Trisha:
Girl, don't mess around. Go to ShartCon 5 right now.
