Wankspan
The average number of years a human is biologically and enthusiastically available for bashing the bishop, measured from the first furtive discovery under the duvet to the day the wrist finally files for early retirement. Distinct from lifespan, though the two are closely correlated: you can't clock up a good wankspan if you're dead, but plenty of people are technically alive but with their wanking years long gone.
Global wankspan has risen sharply since the 1950s, driven by better cardiovascular health, longer working wrists, and the invention of broadband.
Global wankspan has risen sharply since the 1950s, driven by better cardiovascular health, longer working wrists, and the invention of broadband.
"Grandad's in a nursing home now, still going strong. His wankspan's so impressive the staff have started charging us extra for laundry. We're not complaining. Absolute legend."
“Terry's wankspan kicked off properly back in the 60s: bunked off school one afternoon, went hunting about in the local hedges, and came back a changed man. Never looked back. Absolute pioneer of the craft.”
"Poor old Barry clocked out mid-stroke at 89. Genuinely pushed his wankspan right up to the wire. Doctors said it was the healthiest heart they'd seen in a decade - turns out he'd been in training his whole life."
“Terry's wankspan kicked off properly back in the 60s: bunked off school one afternoon, went hunting about in the local hedges, and came back a changed man. Never looked back. Absolute pioneer of the craft.”
"Poor old Barry clocked out mid-stroke at 89. Genuinely pushed his wankspan right up to the wire. Doctors said it was the healthiest heart they'd seen in a decade - turns out he'd been in training his whole life."
Wankspan by BlindingPanda September 21, 2026
