The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy — not an Earth book,
never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophe occurred, never seen or heard of by any Earthman.
Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.
in fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the
great publishing houses of Ursa Minor — of which no Earthman had ever heard either.
Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one — more
popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went
Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway?
In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern
Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker's Guide has already supplanted the
great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and
wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in
two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the
words Don't Panic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.
Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms.
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a
slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
The Guide also tells you on which planets the best
Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one and what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards.
The Guide even tells you how you can mix one yourself.
Take the
juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit, it says.
Pour into it one measure of
water from the seas of Santraginus V — Oh that Santraginean sea
water, it says. Oh those Santraginean
fish!!!
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).
Allow four litres of Fallian marsh
gas to
bubble through it, in memory of all those
happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.
Over the back of a silver
spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle
sweet and mystic.
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns
deep into the
heart of the drink.
Sprinkle Zamphuor.
Add an olive.
Drink ... but ... very carefully ...
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than the Encyclopedia Galactica.
