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Had your shit handed to you 

when somebody checks yo ass by telling you something TRUE about yourself that you have been in denial about most of your life, BUT they spit it in such a cold ass way that IT literally chills your shit all the way out, putting you ass on silent mode for the rest of the damn week.
Ray: Quit trying to be something you are not! You are so afraid that people are going to find out who you really are, a marginally average or sometimes below average person. You are NOT even smart! You are NOT the scholar you think you are so you need to be real with yourself for once. Your self-assessment always leaves a lot to be desired!

Kim: Damn....(pure silence with a fucked up look on her face as her stomach turns....sound of crickets)

Ray:Simple Bitch...You just had your shit handed to you by YOUR muthafuckin truth

Kim: (silent and stunned because she just had her shit handed to her and is not sure how to recover from it)

You all would not have had, had I had not have had you all to have had. 

The long version of y'all'd'nt've'd'd'i'd'nt've'd'y'all't've'd, which is the longest grammatically correct contraction. It means without me, you couldn't have done it.
P 1: We did it!
P 2: You all would not have had, had I had not have had you all to have had."

Have you ever had a dream that, that, um, that you had, uh, that you had to, you could, you do, you wit, you wa, you could do so, you do you could, you want, you wanted him to do you so much you could do anything? 

THE ULTAMENT STUDDER
Have you ever had a dream that, that, um, that you had, uh, that you had to, you could, you do, you wit, you wa, you could do so, you do you could, you want, you wanted him to do you so much you could do anything? no ok

you had one job 

Response to failing to do the one and only thing you had to do. This is told, either in a disgusted, mocking, or angry tone to people, animals, inanimate objects, and anything else that fails to complete the simple task for which it was designed.
A way to express total fail, epic fail, especially when the one job was very simple.
To a cheap park bench that broke while I was sitting on it, "You had one job, park bench!"
To an accountant who was fired for inaccurate computing of business records. "You are supposed to be an accountant, right? You had one job, Sandy."
To a friend about my broken down car, "Damnit, it had one job!"
you had one job by Wwerker October 13, 2014

I guess you had to be there 

What you say when someone tells you something he thinks is hilarious but really isn't. You say this to avoid hurting your friend's feelings in breaking it to him that his joke sucks.
Dudeman 1: "Oh man, I was playing horseshoes in Red Dead Redemption and I got a really close throw and John was all like, 'Did you see that!' It was so funny dude!"

Dudeman 2: "I guess you had to be there."

Dudeman 1: :(

All you had to do is follow the damn train CJ 

A quote from a hard mission in GTA: San Andreas
*somone fails at slapping someone in the face* "all you had to do is follow the damn train CJ"
"Lol"