A widespread and mind-numbing writing appliance used by uncreative teachers and schools to spread
dissatisfaction with writing among their students. Though "creative" five-paragraph essays have been written, the form is
generally mandated by dull minds to make writing and thinking dull.
All five-paragraph essays begin with an
introduction ("tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em!") followed by three body paragraphs ("tell 'em!") and a frighteningly repetetive conclusion ("tell 'em what you told 'em!").