George: "How was last night?"
Duff: "Okay"
George: "Why just Okay?"
Duff: "So I was making out with this chick, right?! She pulls off my underwear and just when I'm thinking that I'm about to score, she takes out a huge black dildo! So I ask, "Are you serious?!". And she's like, "Bitch, I'm shnirious."
George: Holly shit. Are you serious?!
Duff (pulling his pants off, and bending over to show George the scars on his ass): "Dude, I'm fucking shirious!"
Shit Envy:
When taking a dump in a public restroom, a person sits down next to you and takes what sounds like the audible equivalent of an MLS GOOOOOOOOOOAL!, leaving you envious of the sense of relief that person must be experiencing.
I was doing work on the crapper and this dude came in and blew out his O-ring right next to me. I was totally shitvious.