Paramount's King's Island
This is a theme park that is located about 20 miles Northeast of Cincinnati. Quite popular in the area, it is common to act as a hub for the teens, young adults, and families, as well as the local obese, smokers, rednecks, and white trash. The obese, however, are the rejects of the rejects at Kings Island. I have witnessed several instances of our unhealthily overweight friends being denied passage on the roller coasters due to seat size, and possibly maximum weight capacities. Then, instead of taking advantage of the opportunity to exercise by walking around the theme park, severely fat people rent mobility scooters instead. Wow. The smokers merely set the general aroma that is often associated with King’s Island. Rednecks always capitalize the “Take a friend Tuesday” offer that comes with a Gold Season Pass Upgrade, usually in the form of purchasing an average of 5 passes per family, then going to P.K.I. with the whole family every Tuesday. As for the white trash, just imagine a combination of the last three groups of people. That’s right. A 300 pound, 45 year old woman waving around a cigarette, donning a two piece bathing suit. “Things that make you go buhuhuh”. How are the rides? Well, before you ride the Son Of Beast, or S.O.B., as I call it, make sure that you are: A- under 5 foot 6, B- purchase a personal hydraulic system for your seat, and C- inject novocaine into your midsection. Top Gun, like a couple other rides, is over-rated. It’s about 15 seconds long. Drop Zone is a 200-somethin foot tower that, you guessed it, takes you up and drops you. Compare to smoking crack. If you are within spittin’ distance of this ride, wear a poncho. I didn’t, and I barely survived. All of the rides with lap-bars had seatbelts recently installed, so there is always some idiot that takes 5 minutes to open their lap bar, then they get all excited once they figure out how to open it, try and jump up, but realize their seatbelt is still on. The scariest ride in the park is Face Off. Like Top Gun and Drop Zone, it’s named after a movie. The seats face each other on a hanging train. What’s so scary about it? Well, you just might be stuck facing one of those fat women wearing a two-piece, and she just might puke skyline chili all over your paranoid ass, since remember, she’s facing you. Viking Fury is a must ride, but you are a pussy if you sit in the middle. Stay out of the pond that is in front of it; a 4-foot long monster fish lives in there. Overall, the park remains quite successful, though it doesn’t even compare to Cedar Point. If you don’t visit King’s Island very often, or never have, go ahead, spend some time there. If you are a local teen or young adult that has visited the place so many times that you can relate to most of this shit, there is a movie theatre only a half a mile down the road. Go there for a change.
A lugee falling 200-somethin feet from Drop Zone to land on my body was probability’s way of reminding me that I nearly spend too much time at the damned place.
Paramount's King's Island by Paultheman July 7, 2005