When dealing with a lying-ass
motherfucker, the Lying-ass
Motherfucker Coefficient (LAMC)is the multiplier (generally around .39) added to any numbers (such as income, number of recent sexual relations, cost of automobile, amount of alcohol consumed, length of prison sentence, etc) quoted by said lying-ass
motherfucker, with the intent of approximating a truer estimate of the referenced events.
The actual value of the LAMC fluctuates depending on the relative purity of the lying-ass
motherfucker in question and must be adjusted accordingly. A LAMC of .8 or .9 is only appropriate for a "part-time" or a "fly-by-night" lying-ass
motherfucker, while a true, pathological lying-ass motherfucker often necessitates a .1 or even a .05!
Use a known quantity to assign a LAMC value to the lying-ass motherfuckers in your life. If, for instance, a lying ass motherfucker at your
work claims he made a cool $120 in tips over the course of his shift when you spotted him pocketing a paltry $45, you can safely place his LAMC at .375, give or take a few hundredths.
Once a LAMC is established, it tends to remain fairly constant, varying only in cases of extreme mental excitement, anguish, or upheaval. Lying-ass motherfuckers who are manic drunks, for example, often require a lower LAMC value when they are on the sauce. Tears in the
beer, however, can indicate that a higher value should be used ("in vino veritas" rings true, for depressive drunk lying-ass motherfuckers at least).
A final note: the LAMC only applies to numbers which the lying-ass motherfucker has motive to inflate (like the number of people it took to beat the shit out of him last night downtown). For instances where a lower number would seem "cooler" (such as the number of statuatory
rape charges on his permanent record) a Reverse Lying-ass Motherfucker Coefficient (RLAMC) must be employed. The RLAMC
will be covered in a later article.
Andrew: Man, Jacob was wasted when I came in last night! He said he drank a whole twelve pack when he was out with
Tina!
Joe: Man, fuck that noise. You know that Jacob's Lying-ass
Motherfucker Coefficient is a good .25 easy. He drank three beers, cried for a while, got
Tina's voicemail, got ten other girls' voicemails, watched TV, and then passed out on the couch, which is where you found him when you came in.
Andrew: You're right, man. Dude's a lying-ass motherfucker. I don't know what I was thinking.
