1) "MOTHER: What did you girls drink last night?
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: Black douglas
MOTHER: With coke?
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: no..
MOTHER: STRAIGHT?!?!?!
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: nooooo. With coke (:
MOTHER: As if.
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: You know, in a can.
MOTHER: Ohhh. How many.
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: Two.
MOTHER: EACH?!!?
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: nooo. To share (:
MOTHER: Gosh, that's quite a lot of alcohol between you.
TEENAGE DAUGHTER: Shut up mum, you grasky little biatch."

(in fact, teenage daughter has single handedly consumed a bottle of black douglas, straight, along with numerous other alcoholic beverages)

2) "EWWWW, DON'T TOUCH ME WITH YOUR GRASKY HANDS. WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT EATING ALL THOSE STRINGY BEEF ROASTS?!"

I've been jabbed