Surface Warfare
Surface Warfare: A big pain in the ass fraction of the United States Navy. One of the grossest miscalculations of adequately spent tax dollars in history. Commonly employs "Hansel and Gretel" techniques to recruit young, vulnerable, and generally ignorant young men into a workforce of pissed off sailors. Recruits young women to satisfy the overly horny young men while underway. (Note: while some young men like to satisfy each other, it is "not gay underway") Here, you can look forward to getting a new boss every two years who has never been on a ship, does not know anything about what you do, and proceeds to tell you how you could do your job better. You eat food that is rejected by the penal system. You sleep in a bed bigger than most toddler cribs, in a noisy room full of 40 other people (most notably the flatulent Filipino above you who masturbates every night by reciting poems in Tagalic.) You live your life on the edge, only ever knowing when you will leave work when the work list is checked over at lunchtime. Your boss has no problem setting you to port and starboard watches, and leaving at noon. You are used to coming back into port on Monday, because coming in Friday night would cost an extra $2,000 vice the $10,000 it costs to stay underway until Monday. If ever you get too comfortable where you are, you will be relocated, free of cost, to a shit hole in the middle of a desert. This is known as IA, or "Improper Allocation." Those who try to get out are promoted, and those who want to stay in get forced out. Officers come in several varieties. First, there is an LDO. This officer has felt the pain of the bluejackets, and strives to protect them as he turns his wrath toward the rest of the wardroom. Second is an OCS Grad. This officer has a lackadaisical approach to leading people and really treats the Navy as more of a hobby. Third is the Academy Grad. These officers put themselves above everyone else, and consider any mundane task beneath them. They have no problem relaying their perceived inferiority of all other officers. (See United States Naval Academy) Finally, there is the NROTC Grad. This officer remains bitter that they had a taste of life, and still chose to imprison themselves in mediocrity. As an officer, you begin your career by stabbing other officers in the back, stepping on your division to get medals, and lying about war incidents to earn purple hearts (see examples). As you are promoted, your goal becomes to demean your subordinates, and see how much humiliation they can take before they turn against each other. Your other hobbies include putting two scorpions in a shoebox and shaking it to see if they sting each other.
Surface Warfare by Pink Bunny May 27, 2006