Once in a while I want to thank all the people in the US who have taken the time and trouble to send me their email chain letters all year round.
Actually I want to thank them for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of their concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. In fact, I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be surprised by Anthrax powder. Nor do I attend movies any longer for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I always wear rubber gloves when opening my mail in order to avoid the deadly Klingerman virus that starts out with severe dysentery. I never keep my car windows open at a stoplight for fear of a Spunkball that would be thrown inside that could cause a large, deadly fire.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to them, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank all of them soooo much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If they don't send another e-mail chain letter to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on their heads head this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician! Honest!
Actually I want to thank them for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of their concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. In fact, I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be surprised by Anthrax powder. Nor do I attend movies any longer for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I always wear rubber gloves when opening my mail in order to avoid the deadly Klingerman virus that starts out with severe dysentery. I never keep my car windows open at a stoplight for fear of a Spunkball that would be thrown inside that could cause a large, deadly fire.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to them, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank all of them soooo much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If they don't send another e-mail chain letter to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on their heads head this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician! Honest!
by alvit May 14, 2009
Here are some good examples of miscellaneous quickies:
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
by alvit May 22, 2009
Here are some ways of calling someone 'stupid':
A Few Clowns Short of a Circus
A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal
An Experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A Few Beers Short of a Six-Pack
Dumber Than a Box of Hair
A Few Peas Short of a Casserole
Doesn't Have All Her Cornflakes in One Box
The Wheel's Spinning, But the Hamsters Dead
One Fruit Loop Shy of a Full Bowl
One Taco Short of a Combination Plate
A Few Feathers Short of a Whole Duck
All Foam, No Beer
The Cheese Slid Off Her Cracker
Body by Fisher, Brains by Mattel
Couldn't Pour Water Out of a Boot With Instructions on the Heel
He Fell Out of the Stupid Tree and Hit Every Branch on the Way Down
An Intellect Rivaled Only by Garden Tools
As Smart as Bait
Chimney's Clogged
Doesn't Have All His Dogs on One Leash
Doesn't Know Much but Leads the League in Nostril Hair
Elevator Doesn't Go All the Way to the Top Floor
Forgot to Pay Her Brain Bill
Her Sewing Machine's Out of Thread
His Antenna Doesn't Pick Up All the Channels
His Belt Doesn't Go Through All the Loops
If She Had Another Brain, It Would be Lonely
Missing a Few Buttons on His Remote Control
No Grain in the Silo
Proof That Evolution Can Go in Reverse
Receiver is off the Hook
Several Nuts Short of a Full Pouch
Skylight Leaks a Little
Slinky's Kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too Much Yardage Between the Goal Posts
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
The Lights are on, but Nobody's Home
24 Cents Short of a Quarter
A Few Clowns Short of a Circus
A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal
An Experiment in Artificial Stupidity
A Few Beers Short of a Six-Pack
Dumber Than a Box of Hair
A Few Peas Short of a Casserole
Doesn't Have All Her Cornflakes in One Box
The Wheel's Spinning, But the Hamsters Dead
One Fruit Loop Shy of a Full Bowl
One Taco Short of a Combination Plate
A Few Feathers Short of a Whole Duck
All Foam, No Beer
The Cheese Slid Off Her Cracker
Body by Fisher, Brains by Mattel
Couldn't Pour Water Out of a Boot With Instructions on the Heel
He Fell Out of the Stupid Tree and Hit Every Branch on the Way Down
An Intellect Rivaled Only by Garden Tools
As Smart as Bait
Chimney's Clogged
Doesn't Have All His Dogs on One Leash
Doesn't Know Much but Leads the League in Nostril Hair
Elevator Doesn't Go All the Way to the Top Floor
Forgot to Pay Her Brain Bill
Her Sewing Machine's Out of Thread
His Antenna Doesn't Pick Up All the Channels
His Belt Doesn't Go Through All the Loops
If She Had Another Brain, It Would be Lonely
Missing a Few Buttons on His Remote Control
No Grain in the Silo
Proof That Evolution Can Go in Reverse
Receiver is off the Hook
Several Nuts Short of a Full Pouch
Skylight Leaks a Little
Slinky's Kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too Much Yardage Between the Goal Posts
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
The Lights are on, but Nobody's Home
24 Cents Short of a Quarter
by alvit October 27, 2009
“Nevada” is a derivative of a Spanish word meaning snow-clad. The official colors of Nevada are blue and silver, and one of Nevada’s nicknames is the Silver State. The state slogan, Battle Born, was adopted because Nevada became a state during the Civil War, on October 31, 1864. In 1939, October 31st was declared a state holiday—Nevada is the only state to commemorate the date it joined the Union through a state holiday. Nevada also has a state song, “Home Means Nevada,” which was written by Bertha Raffetto and adopted in February 1933.
Nevada is a jewel with many facets—from its desert landscapes to its towering mountain peaks; from pristine Lake Tahoe to the unparalleled Great Basin National Park; from its rustic small towns to the glittering Las Vegas strip to the fastest growing cities in the United States.
Nevada is the home of Hoover Dam, formerly the highest concrete dam in the U.S. Hard hats worn by construction workers were invented specifically for the construction of Hoover Dam.
Gambling was legalized in the State of Nevada in 1931. Las Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city on earth, and it also has most of the largest hotels on earth. Tourism-related industries, such as hotels and casinos, are the largest employers in Nevada.
Nevada is a jewel with many facets—from its desert landscapes to its towering mountain peaks; from pristine Lake Tahoe to the unparalleled Great Basin National Park; from its rustic small towns to the glittering Las Vegas strip to the fastest growing cities in the United States.
Nevada is the home of Hoover Dam, formerly the highest concrete dam in the U.S. Hard hats worn by construction workers were invented specifically for the construction of Hoover Dam.
Gambling was legalized in the State of Nevada in 1931. Las Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city on earth, and it also has most of the largest hotels on earth. Tourism-related industries, such as hotels and casinos, are the largest employers in Nevada.
by alvit April 26, 2009
I have lived in Nevada for many years and have found it to be a wonderful place to live and raise a family. The state is filled with beautiful landscapes that encompass the splendor of Lake Tahoe’s snow covered mountains and the quiet beauty of the Mojave Desert.
Nevada is filled with hard-working people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Its rich history and western spirit make Nevada a unique and magnificent place to live.
Nevada is filled with hard-working people from all walks of life and backgrounds. Its rich history and western spirit make Nevada a unique and magnificent place to live.
by alvit June 26, 2009
Here are some popular synonyms of 'penis' used in the US
(from condom slogans):
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
(from condom slogans):
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
by alvit June 30, 2009
A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
- Why does it cost so little to call Satan on the phone in the US?
- Because it's just a local call.
- Because it's just a local call.
by alvit May 17, 2009