griffin_t_a's definitions

Food Law

1. A list of commandments brought down from the mountain by comedian Adam Carolla governing correct procedure in the preparation and presentation of all known edibles. He didn't speak to God. No, he had a bad omelette at a Big Bear Lake Ski Resort once. Cheese just draped over the cooked omelette, not even cheddar like he ordered, but Swiss. What is he an animal? He was certainly animalistic in his rage, with nearby large-breasted patrons trying to assure him that cheddar is sometimes white like Swiss cheese. Alas, he was not calmed. But rather than complete his transformation into a feral beast, one last "Hail Mary" neuron fired in his brain that reminded him of what it was to be human. Laws. A code to prevent civilization from collapsing. His revelation to apply rules, standards, and norms to food preparation/presentation changed the fabric of our society from that day forward. Never again would anyone have to endure such inhumane conditions in their culinary experience. Hero.

2. Actor Jude Law's fat, balding, less successful dimwit of a brother. (Coined by Adam Carolla on September 25, 2018 on "The Adam Carolla Show")

STEWARDESS:
Welcome back to first class of High-Falutin Air, Mr. Carolla. When we get up in the air in about 45 minutes, I'll gladly serve you alcohol for the 3 minutes before we begin our descent. We’ll also be serving meals in that window. Since you're in seat 1A, there's a good chance you'll get some.

ADAM CAROLLA:
Oh yeah? What've you got? Don't tell me it's that pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza. I've blown hobos that sleep on my studio stoop that taste better.

S:
Oh no, Mr. Carolla, we stopped serving that when our surveys indicated customers found it to taste like...well...like you said, "the ejaculate of an AIDS-ridden Homeless man." Now we're serving lentil chili and...

A.C.:
Don't bother. I'll drink my lunch. Until Food Law is enforced in American airspace.

S:
Food Law? Wasn't he in "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"?

A.C.:
No, that's his younger, more attractive brother. Food Law was in "The Untalented Mr. Shitley" and "I Fart Fuckabees."

S:
Oh, I see. Anyway, want me to give you your usual road head in the John when we get in the air? After I give you your drink, of course. I know you're a raging alcoholic.

JERRY SEINFELD(row behind)
Why do they call it road head, we're gonna be 35,000 feet in the air?

A.C.:
Pipe down Jerry...unless you wanna buy my Porsche 935. I'm really taking a bath on that one. Turns out no one remembers who the hell Paul Newman is.

S:
Oh you took a bath? Maybe my mouth won't taste like a bum's buttermilk for 3 days.

by griffin_t_a September 25, 2018

taking the rope down

Removing the rope climb from the gym class curriculum rather than shaming the four fat kids who can't climb it. Often used as a metaphor for the pussification of America by comedian Adam Carolla.

Santa Monica could really crack down on the homeless but instead they're just taking the rope down and letting them continue to urinate in our parks.

by griffin_t_a September 11, 2009

Irish football

A non-viable, premature baby. Coined by Adam Carolla on his podcast(1/18/13).

Pat: Did you hear, Megan Shanahan had another miscarriage?

Connor: Aye, can't say I'm surprised.

Pat: Why's that?

Connor: She snaps Irish footballs every other month.

Pat: Yeah, ya really gotta stop knocking her up.

Connor: Aye, probably should stop coming home bleeding drunk and beating her within an inch of her life as well.

(drunken Irish laughter as they clink glasses)

by griffin_t_a October 16, 2016

Falutin-free

(from Highfalutin-free) A product or culinary creation’s optimal state of existence that avoids crossing the threshold into being unnecessarily complicated or exotically flavorful as to diminish the maker’s intended experience for the consumer, which is to deliver the expected purpose or sensory stimulation. The term was coined by comedian, Adam Carolla, on “The Adam Carolla Show” podcast(January 23, 2014).

Stewardess(Over PA): On today’s flight, we will be serving a pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza with a side avocado and mango salad tossed in passion fruit vinaigrette OR a turkey sandwich.

(minutes later)

Stewardess: Which would you like, sir?

Adam: Can you tell me about the turkey sandwich?

Stewardess: Sir?

Adam: Well I’d just like to know if it’s falutin-free or if the chef who made it was jacking off, you know, like he did with the pizza.

by griffin_t_a January 24, 2014

whore-so

A lady of the night who lacks any penetrable orifices(vagina, anus, or mouth) and thus fails to provide any contribution to society. She is essentially just a torso who has outlived her use. Only in rare circumstances does she go on to become a motivational speaker or crusader for women's rights. The term was originally coined by Bryan Bishop on an episode of "The Adam Carolla Show"(5/14/13) during a segment of "Who the F Sells This S?" when the gang talks to a seller of empty liquor bottles. Adam Carolla, a notorious alcoholic, notes how the nature of an empty bottle robs the consumer of the brewers' intended enjoyment, i.e. imbibition/intoxication. Adam then likens it to a prostitute without a vagina. Newsgirl, Alison Rosen, adds the condition of said sex worker lacking any other useful orifices and reduces her to a torso. Sound Effects guy, Bryan Bishop, actually coins the term however.

(Richard Gere, driving a lamborghini, pulls up to a mouthless, torso of a whore resembling Julia Roberts)

Richard: How much for the night?

Julia: (muffled talking)

----You get the idea-----

Cue Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman"

whore-so

by griffin_t_a May 19, 2013

Window of negligence

The time period when a dereliction of duty occurs. Often, an ordinarily prudent member of an organization who normally exercises the level of care generally required for their position, will request that a window of negligence be granted by their superior due to time constraints or logistical complications. The partaker, in essence, is asking for a limited-time exemption from their expected responsibilities or in some cases, after dereliction has already occurred, leniency from their superior in regards to punishment for said subpar job performance that would’ve taken place within the window. The phrase was coined by Matt Fondiler on the 4/19/16 episode of “The Adam Carolla Show.”

INT. BRIDGE OF TITANIC – APRIL 14, 1912 02:40 GMT

(Captain rushes onto the bridge)

Captain: What was that scraping sound I heard while I was in the bathroom?

First mate: Sir, I think we hit an iceberg.

Captain: You think?! Weren’t you at the helm?

First mate: Er…uh…

Captain: Well weren’t you?!!

Second mate: I know where he was Captain.

First mate: You fink!!

Second mate: I may be a fink but at least I’m not some sexual deviant who gets his rocks off watching scrawny, working-class lads plow Rubenesque socialites in the backs of Renault CB Coupe de Villes down in the cargo hold.

First mate: I was merely protecting our passengers’ property.

Second mate: Yeah, then why was your dick in your hand?

Captain: Enough!! This is clearly my fault.

First mate: Now now, Captain.

Captain: No, I should’ve given you a smaller window of negligence while I dropped the Cosby kids off at the pool.

First mate: Cosby?

Captain: He’s a negro rapist in the future who played a beloved pussy doctor on telev---Nevermind that. Ready the lifeboats!

by griffin_t_a September 23, 2016

worthday

An alternative to the traditionally celebrated birthday where the basis of celebration is instead derived from the anniversary of one's greatest lifetime achievement. An individual usually begins to celebrate the event after the age of eighteen since that's generally when they start "making their bones." Naturally, the date of celebration can vary, owing to the fact that new achievements can supersede past ones. For this reason, worthdays later in life pay tribute to very impressive achievements and are therefore more meaningful than their birthday counterpart. The term was coined by Adam Carolla on "The Adam and Dr. Drew Show" on June 8, 2013 with inspiration from Matt "The Porcelain Punisher" Fondiler.

Matt: Happy Birthday Aceman! What are you, 50?

Adam: Nope, 49.

Matt: What an achievement.

Adam: Achievement?!! Winning the 2012 Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix and then coming back the following year and winning it in the Pro Category. That's an achievement. Creating a Podcasting Empire. That's an achievement. Inventing my own signature wine cocktail, Mangria, which did over 2 million in sales last year.

Matt: Achie-(interrupted)

Adam: Achievement! You're goddamn right. But nobody celebrates that.

Matt: Well for what's it worth-(interrupted)

Adam: Worth? Eureka, P.P. You clodhopping commode crusher. You've just given me an idea. Let's celebrate days worthy of celebration. We'll call them worthdays.

Matt: I shall go chisel it into the tablets immediately.

Adam: Oh, Matt, one more thing. I approved your raise. Happy... worthday!

by griffin_t_a May 21, 2014