Definitions by griffin_t_a
Bernadette-Bernhard scale
The most scientific scale known to man for rating the desired mouth-to-phallus ratio during the practice of oral sex. On one end of the spectrum, we have Bernadette Peters with a diminutive mouth. We'll assign her oral cavity a value of .99 carollas (unit of measurement named after Adam Carolla, a pioneer in the field of Phallometry, whose Water-Displacement Method is now the standard throughout the Penile Sciences). Multiplying this value by the average human penis size (100 carollas) yields a Carolla Psychological Satisfaction (or C.P.S.) score of 99 aces (as in, "That's just aces!"). On the other end of the spectrum, we have the less desirable orifice of Sandra Bernhard measuring .01 carollas. Once again, multiplying this value by 100 yields a score of 1 ace. This indicates that the experience of inserting the male member into Bernhard's mammoth mouth for the purpose of fellatio, while perhaps physically pleasurable, is overshadowed by the pride-shattering effects.
Monica Lewinsky: Hey, Bill, you want a BJ?
President Clinton: (covers mouthpiece of the phone he's holding) Monica, I'm on the phone with a Congressman. Sorry about that sir. (inaudible chatter from phone) Yeah, just some intern I'm banging. About a 7. But you should see the mouth on her. (more inaudible chatter) What's the Bernadette-Bernhard scale? (more chatter) Adam who? Oh, I love Birchum.
Monica Lewinsky: Bill, I'm wearing that blue dress you like.
President Clinton: Congressman, I've gotta go. But you've sure given me something to think about. Maybe I'll just work her over with a cigar.
Morgan Freeman Narrator: But he didn't. Well he did. But he also got oral. Completely rejecting the principles of the Bernadette-Bernhard scale. Two things were lost that day: America's innocence, and the confidence of the pretty well-endowed Leader of the Free World. It just goes to show you, some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are too bright. But in such a massive cage, who can see a bird anyway? Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate, get it on.
President Clinton: (covers mouthpiece of the phone he's holding) Monica, I'm on the phone with a Congressman. Sorry about that sir. (inaudible chatter from phone) Yeah, just some intern I'm banging. About a 7. But you should see the mouth on her. (more inaudible chatter) What's the Bernadette-Bernhard scale? (more chatter) Adam who? Oh, I love Birchum.
Monica Lewinsky: Bill, I'm wearing that blue dress you like.
President Clinton: Congressman, I've gotta go. But you've sure given me something to think about. Maybe I'll just work her over with a cigar.
Morgan Freeman Narrator: But he didn't. Well he did. But he also got oral. Completely rejecting the principles of the Bernadette-Bernhard scale. Two things were lost that day: America's innocence, and the confidence of the pretty well-endowed Leader of the Free World. It just goes to show you, some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are too bright. But in such a massive cage, who can see a bird anyway? Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate, get it on.
Bernadette-Bernhard scale by griffin_t_a September 25, 2014
worthday
An alternative to the traditionally celebrated birthday where the basis of celebration is instead derived from the anniversary of one's greatest lifetime achievement. An individual usually begins to celebrate the event after the age of eighteen since that's generally when they start "making their bones." Naturally, the date of celebration can vary, owing to the fact that new achievements can supersede past ones. For this reason, worthdays later in life pay tribute to very impressive achievements and are therefore more meaningful than their birthday counterpart. The term was coined by Adam Carolla on "The Adam and Dr. Drew Show" on June 8, 2013 with inspiration from Matt "The Porcelain Punisher" Fondiler.
Matt: Happy Birthday Aceman! What are you, 50?
Adam: Nope, 49.
Matt: What an achievement.
Adam: Achievement?!! Winning the 2012 Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix and then coming back the following year and winning it in the Pro Category. That's an achievement. Creating a Podcasting Empire. That's an achievement. Inventing my own signature wine cocktail, Mangria, which did over 2 million in sales last year.
Matt: Achie-(interrupted)
Adam: Achievement! You're goddamn right. But nobody celebrates that.
Matt: Well for what's it worth-(interrupted)
Adam: Worth? Eureka, P.P. You clodhopping commode crusher. You've just given me an idea. Let's celebrate days worthy of celebration. We'll call them worthdays.
Matt: I shall go chisel it into the tablets immediately.
Adam: Oh, Matt, one more thing. I approved your raise. Happy... worthday!
Adam: Nope, 49.
Matt: What an achievement.
Adam: Achievement?!! Winning the 2012 Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix and then coming back the following year and winning it in the Pro Category. That's an achievement. Creating a Podcasting Empire. That's an achievement. Inventing my own signature wine cocktail, Mangria, which did over 2 million in sales last year.
Matt: Achie-(interrupted)
Adam: Achievement! You're goddamn right. But nobody celebrates that.
Matt: Well for what's it worth-(interrupted)
Adam: Worth? Eureka, P.P. You clodhopping commode crusher. You've just given me an idea. Let's celebrate days worthy of celebration. We'll call them worthdays.
Matt: I shall go chisel it into the tablets immediately.
Adam: Oh, Matt, one more thing. I approved your raise. Happy... worthday!
worthday by griffin_t_a May 21, 2014
Falutin-free
(from Highfalutin-free) A product or culinary creation’s optimal state of existence that avoids crossing the threshold into being unnecessarily complicated or exotically flavorful as to diminish the maker’s intended experience for the consumer, which is to deliver the expected purpose or sensory stimulation. The term was coined by comedian, Adam Carolla, on “The Adam Carolla Show” podcast(January 23, 2014).
Stewardess(Over PA): On today’s flight, we will be serving a pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza with a side avocado and mango salad tossed in passion fruit vinaigrette OR a turkey sandwich.
(minutes later)
Stewardess: Which would you like, sir?
Adam: Can you tell me about the turkey sandwich?
Stewardess: Sir?
Adam: Well I’d just like to know if it’s falutin-free or if the chef who made it was jacking off, you know, like he did with the pizza.
(minutes later)
Stewardess: Which would you like, sir?
Adam: Can you tell me about the turkey sandwich?
Stewardess: Sir?
Adam: Well I’d just like to know if it’s falutin-free or if the chef who made it was jacking off, you know, like he did with the pizza.
Falutin-free by griffin_t_a January 24, 2014
whore-so
A lady of the night who lacks any penetrable orifices(vagina, anus, or mouth) and thus fails to provide any contribution to society. She is essentially just a torso who has outlived her use. Only in rare circumstances does she go on to become a motivational speaker or crusader for women's rights. The term was originally coined by Bryan Bishop on an episode of "The Adam Carolla Show"(5/14/13) during a segment of "Who the F Sells This S?" when the gang talks to a seller of empty liquor bottles. Adam Carolla, a notorious alcoholic, notes how the nature of an empty bottle robs the consumer of the brewers' intended enjoyment, i.e. imbibition/intoxication. Adam then likens it to a prostitute without a vagina. Newsgirl, Alison Rosen, adds the condition of said sex worker lacking any other useful orifices and reduces her to a torso. Sound Effects guy, Bryan Bishop, actually coins the term however.
(Richard Gere, driving a lamborghini, pulls up to a mouthless, torso of a whore resembling Julia Roberts)
Richard: How much for the night?
Julia: (muffled talking)
----You get the idea-----
Cue Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman"
whore-so
Richard: How much for the night?
Julia: (muffled talking)
----You get the idea-----
Cue Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman"
whore-so
whore-so by griffin_t_a May 19, 2013
emotional chiropractor
A professional who specializes in a system of therapy that involves treating the patient, often suffering from a personality disorder, with a dose of common-sensical advice aimed at adjusting said character flaws. This is usually done by questioning their motivations and career/financial goals while refraining from practicing negative reinforcement or punishment. Most patients resist and therefore continue down their current destructive path. Coined by Superfan Giovanni Giorgio on the Adam Carolla Show(1/17/13).
Adam Carolla: Hey Tara, when you screen the calls for tonight's Loveline, can you limit the suicide ones, please?
(Tara laughs while watching "The Simpsons" on TV)
Adam Carolla: HEY!! Let's focus. You've got a job to do. Now I was saying I'd like less-
Tara: You're not my boss!!
Adam Carolla: Whoa, someone's in desperate need of an emotional chiropractor.
(Tara laughs while watching "The Simpsons" on TV)
Adam Carolla: HEY!! Let's focus. You've got a job to do. Now I was saying I'd like less-
Tara: You're not my boss!!
Adam Carolla: Whoa, someone's in desperate need of an emotional chiropractor.
emotional chiropractor by griffin_t_a January 24, 2013
unrigger
A politician, usually of color, who overcame what they claim is an unfair system, mostly through hard work, and now, seeking election/re-election, panders to the underprivileged masses by promising to overthrow said unfair system which, paradoxically, allowed him to rise to power. Coined by Adam Carolla on 11/7/12.
(Slap bass solo accompanied by mouth noises)
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
George: That Obama sure has overcome extreme oppression, adversity, and discrimination to become Leader of the Free World.
Jerry: Well, maybe the fact that a guy from his background has flourished in what so many claim is a rigged system proves it's not so rigged after all.
Elaine: Of course it's still rigged. You don't see a female President.
Jerry: Yeah, well maybe Obama will unrig it for you.
(Kramer enters)
Elaine: Hey Kramer, what do you think? Is Obama an unrigger?
Kramer: (pauses) Look, I just came to borrow some milk.
(Slap Bass Outro)
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
George: That Obama sure has overcome extreme oppression, adversity, and discrimination to become Leader of the Free World.
Jerry: Well, maybe the fact that a guy from his background has flourished in what so many claim is a rigged system proves it's not so rigged after all.
Elaine: Of course it's still rigged. You don't see a female President.
Jerry: Yeah, well maybe Obama will unrig it for you.
(Kramer enters)
Elaine: Hey Kramer, what do you think? Is Obama an unrigger?
Kramer: (pauses) Look, I just came to borrow some milk.
(Slap Bass Outro)
unrigger by griffin_t_a November 8, 2012
blacksimile
A person of color who is interchangeable with another person of color. It was coined by comedian Adam Carolla on his podcast "The Adam Carolla Show" on 9/11/12.
Person A: Oh no, I heard Michael Clarke Duncan kicked the bucket. I wonder who they'll get to play Kingpin in "Daredevil 2."
Person B: Well, let's see. Ving Rhames, Terry Crews, hell, even Jim Brown. All good blacksimiles.
Person B: Well, let's see. Ving Rhames, Terry Crews, hell, even Jim Brown. All good blacksimiles.
blacksimile by griffin_t_a September 17, 2012