griffin_t_a's definitions
A Jew(Hebrew) who has been contracted by a goy to assemble Christmas gifts that do not come prefabricated. Though the Gentile client, usually an affluent father, has the competency to construct said gifts for his children on Christmas morn, he is often too hung over from the previous night’s eggnog consumption to have the patience and/or focus to follow the complex instructions. This is where the Semite comes into play. Because of the unimportance of the Christian holiday to the Judeo-contractor, he is available, clear-headed, and willing to work for a reasonable price. Well, reasonable according to his people’s standards. I mean, if you wanted to find a Jewish tradesman that didn’t gouge the goyim, you’d have to build a time machine and travel back to Jesus times. Anyway, Adam Carolla coined it on January 4, 2016 on the "Adam Carolla Show."
Crafty Jews Inc. employee: Crafty Jews, let us work while you snooze.
Adam: Hi, I’m Adam Carolla. I saw your ad in the “Rich Whitey Gazette.”
CJ employee: Yes, how may I help you, sir?
Adam: Well I’d like to hire someone to put up a zipline in my backyard for my 9-year-old daughter? Now your Jews, are they mechanically inclined?
CJ employee: Sir, all our guys are Hebus Erectus Certified. We import the finest laborers from Israel.
Adam: That’s good. ‘Cause the last thing I need is one of those domesticated, Woody Allen-type Jews coming over here.
CJ employee: Sir, I can assure you, we would never send a Woody Allen-type Jew where there are prepubescent girls. We will send the most blue-collared, salt of the Earth Jew we can find. Think Bruce Springsteen.
Adam: Well you know, he’s not Jewish. You guys always claim him as one of your own but…uh
CJ employee: Ok, well we’ve got one that looks like Eli Roth.
Adam: Jesus, I want a zipline put up, not my children to be beaten to death with a baseball bat.
CJ employee: Ok, ok. Hmm, well you bring up baseball? We have a guy built like Sandy Koufax, smart as Einstein.
Adam: That’s my guy. Send him over, Christmas morn at 8.
CJ employee: Will do Mr. Carolla. Thank you for choosing us for your Hebus Erectus needs.
Adam: Well you are the Chosen people.
CJ employee: Ha, you sure you’re not a Jew?
Adam: To be honest, I’ve got two Jews here passing me jokes on Post-Its. They’re part of your Hebus Punch-up-us line.
carolla
Adam: Hi, I’m Adam Carolla. I saw your ad in the “Rich Whitey Gazette.”
CJ employee: Yes, how may I help you, sir?
Adam: Well I’d like to hire someone to put up a zipline in my backyard for my 9-year-old daughter? Now your Jews, are they mechanically inclined?
CJ employee: Sir, all our guys are Hebus Erectus Certified. We import the finest laborers from Israel.
Adam: That’s good. ‘Cause the last thing I need is one of those domesticated, Woody Allen-type Jews coming over here.
CJ employee: Sir, I can assure you, we would never send a Woody Allen-type Jew where there are prepubescent girls. We will send the most blue-collared, salt of the Earth Jew we can find. Think Bruce Springsteen.
Adam: Well you know, he’s not Jewish. You guys always claim him as one of your own but…uh
CJ employee: Ok, well we’ve got one that looks like Eli Roth.
Adam: Jesus, I want a zipline put up, not my children to be beaten to death with a baseball bat.
CJ employee: Ok, ok. Hmm, well you bring up baseball? We have a guy built like Sandy Koufax, smart as Einstein.
Adam: That’s my guy. Send him over, Christmas morn at 8.
CJ employee: Will do Mr. Carolla. Thank you for choosing us for your Hebus Erectus needs.
Adam: Well you are the Chosen people.
CJ employee: Ha, you sure you’re not a Jew?
Adam: To be honest, I’ve got two Jews here passing me jokes on Post-Its. They’re part of your Hebus Punch-up-us line.
carolla
by griffin_t_a April 20, 2016
Get the Hebus Erectus mug.An alternative to the traditionally celebrated birthday where the basis of celebration is instead derived from the anniversary of one's greatest lifetime achievement. An individual usually begins to celebrate the event after the age of eighteen since that's generally when they start "making their bones." Naturally, the date of celebration can vary, owing to the fact that new achievements can supersede past ones. For this reason, worthdays later in life pay tribute to very impressive achievements and are therefore more meaningful than their birthday counterpart. The term was coined by Adam Carolla on "The Adam and Dr. Drew Show" on June 8, 2013 with inspiration from Matt "The Porcelain Punisher" Fondiler.
Matt: Happy Birthday Aceman! What are you, 50?
Adam: Nope, 49.
Matt: What an achievement.
Adam: Achievement?!! Winning the 2012 Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix and then coming back the following year and winning it in the Pro Category. That's an achievement. Creating a Podcasting Empire. That's an achievement. Inventing my own signature wine cocktail, Mangria, which did over 2 million in sales last year.
Matt: Achie-(interrupted)
Adam: Achievement! You're goddamn right. But nobody celebrates that.
Matt: Well for what's it worth-(interrupted)
Adam: Worth? Eureka, P.P. You clodhopping commode crusher. You've just given me an idea. Let's celebrate days worthy of celebration. We'll call them worthdays.
Matt: I shall go chisel it into the tablets immediately.
Adam: Oh, Matt, one more thing. I approved your raise. Happy... worthday!
Adam: Nope, 49.
Matt: What an achievement.
Adam: Achievement?!! Winning the 2012 Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix and then coming back the following year and winning it in the Pro Category. That's an achievement. Creating a Podcasting Empire. That's an achievement. Inventing my own signature wine cocktail, Mangria, which did over 2 million in sales last year.
Matt: Achie-(interrupted)
Adam: Achievement! You're goddamn right. But nobody celebrates that.
Matt: Well for what's it worth-(interrupted)
Adam: Worth? Eureka, P.P. You clodhopping commode crusher. You've just given me an idea. Let's celebrate days worthy of celebration. We'll call them worthdays.
Matt: I shall go chisel it into the tablets immediately.
Adam: Oh, Matt, one more thing. I approved your raise. Happy... worthday!
by griffin_t_a May 21, 2014
Get the worthday mug.A redistricting strategy made famous during the period in the late 1980's, when the Democratic Party moved geographic boundaries of an electoral district in California to include predominantly black-populated areas(South Central Los Angeles, Inglewood, Compton) in an effort to concentrate African American voters sporting the popular greasy hairstyle of the day, thus using 'packing' tactics to insure a constituency that would elect congressional representatives who also sported the couch-ruining do. The term for this strategy remained unnamed for nearly 30 years until comedian Adam Carolla coined it on his podcast, “The Adam Carolla Show”(Episode aired November 3, 2015.).
Congresswoman Maxine Waters may believe the science is still out on the morning after pill but she's definitely a student of the science of Jheri curl-mandering. Tracking sales of Soul Glo in order to target the perfect constituency was a flash of genius on the Democratic Party's part.
by griffin_t_a October 19, 2016
Get the Jheri curl-mandering mug.1. A list of commandments brought down from the mountain by comedian Adam Carolla governing correct procedure in the preparation and presentation of all known edibles. He didn't speak to God. No, he had a bad omelette at a Big Bear Lake Ski Resort once. Cheese just draped over the cooked omelette, not even cheddar like he ordered, but Swiss. What is he an animal? He was certainly animalistic in his rage, with nearby large-breasted patrons trying to assure him that cheddar is sometimes white like Swiss cheese. Alas, he was not calmed. But rather than complete his transformation into a feral beast, one last "Hail Mary" neuron fired in his brain that reminded him of what it was to be human. Laws. A code to prevent civilization from collapsing. His revelation to apply rules, standards, and norms to food preparation/presentation changed the fabric of our society from that day forward. Never again would anyone have to endure such inhumane conditions in their culinary experience. Hero.
2. Actor Jude Law's fat, balding, less successful dimwit of a brother. (Coined by Adam Carolla on September 25, 2018 on "The Adam Carolla Show")
2. Actor Jude Law's fat, balding, less successful dimwit of a brother. (Coined by Adam Carolla on September 25, 2018 on "The Adam Carolla Show")
STEWARDESS:
Welcome back to first class of High-Falutin Air, Mr. Carolla. When we get up in the air in about 45 minutes, I'll gladly serve you alcohol for the 3 minutes before we begin our descent. We’ll also be serving meals in that window. Since you're in seat 1A, there's a good chance you'll get some.
ADAM CAROLLA:
Oh yeah? What've you got? Don't tell me it's that pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza. I've blown hobos that sleep on my studio stoop that taste better.
S:
Oh no, Mr. Carolla, we stopped serving that when our surveys indicated customers found it to taste like...well...like you said, "the ejaculate of an AIDS-ridden Homeless man." Now we're serving lentil chili and...
A.C.:
Don't bother. I'll drink my lunch. Until Food Law is enforced in American airspace.
S:
Food Law? Wasn't he in "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"?
A.C.:
No, that's his younger, more attractive brother. Food Law was in "The Untalented Mr. Shitley" and "I Fart Fuckabees."
S:
Oh, I see. Anyway, want me to give you your usual road head in the John when we get in the air? After I give you your drink, of course. I know you're a raging alcoholic.
JERRY SEINFELD(row behind)
Why do they call it road head, we're gonna be 35,000 feet in the air?
A.C.:
Pipe down Jerry...unless you wanna buy my Porsche 935. I'm really taking a bath on that one. Turns out no one remembers who the hell Paul Newman is.
S:
Oh you took a bath? Maybe my mouth won't taste like a bum's buttermilk for 3 days.
Welcome back to first class of High-Falutin Air, Mr. Carolla. When we get up in the air in about 45 minutes, I'll gladly serve you alcohol for the 3 minutes before we begin our descent. We’ll also be serving meals in that window. Since you're in seat 1A, there's a good chance you'll get some.
ADAM CAROLLA:
Oh yeah? What've you got? Don't tell me it's that pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza. I've blown hobos that sleep on my studio stoop that taste better.
S:
Oh no, Mr. Carolla, we stopped serving that when our surveys indicated customers found it to taste like...well...like you said, "the ejaculate of an AIDS-ridden Homeless man." Now we're serving lentil chili and...
A.C.:
Don't bother. I'll drink my lunch. Until Food Law is enforced in American airspace.
S:
Food Law? Wasn't he in "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"?
A.C.:
No, that's his younger, more attractive brother. Food Law was in "The Untalented Mr. Shitley" and "I Fart Fuckabees."
S:
Oh, I see. Anyway, want me to give you your usual road head in the John when we get in the air? After I give you your drink, of course. I know you're a raging alcoholic.
JERRY SEINFELD(row behind)
Why do they call it road head, we're gonna be 35,000 feet in the air?
A.C.:
Pipe down Jerry...unless you wanna buy my Porsche 935. I'm really taking a bath on that one. Turns out no one remembers who the hell Paul Newman is.
S:
Oh you took a bath? Maybe my mouth won't taste like a bum's buttermilk for 3 days.
by griffin_t_a September 25, 2018
Get the Food Law mug.The member of a hispanic family whose wages supply its livelihood. Coined by Adam Carolla on "The Adam Carolla Show" on September 1, 2015.
Jose: Mujer! Donde esta mi cerveza?
Consuela: Que?
Jose: My beer, woman! Didn't you go to the supermercado?
Consuela: Si, si.
Jose: So you bought my Corona?
Consuela: No...no.
Jose: Dammit woman, I bust my chepa down at the plant everyday to put food on this table. And all I ask is for something to wash it down with, maybe get a little borracho while watching ESPN Deportes. Is that too much to ask?
Consuela: No...no. Tu eres el "breadwinner."
Jose: Dammit woma- Oh, you agree with me. Though we're not really much of a "bread" family but point taken. (looks in fridge) Well, at least you got tortillas. I guess that makes me a (chuckles) tortillawinner.
Consuela: No...No. That's incredibly racist.
Consuela: Que?
Jose: My beer, woman! Didn't you go to the supermercado?
Consuela: Si, si.
Jose: So you bought my Corona?
Consuela: No...no.
Jose: Dammit woman, I bust my chepa down at the plant everyday to put food on this table. And all I ask is for something to wash it down with, maybe get a little borracho while watching ESPN Deportes. Is that too much to ask?
Consuela: No...no. Tu eres el "breadwinner."
Jose: Dammit woma- Oh, you agree with me. Though we're not really much of a "bread" family but point taken. (looks in fridge) Well, at least you got tortillas. I guess that makes me a (chuckles) tortillawinner.
Consuela: No...No. That's incredibly racist.
by griffin_t_a October 20, 2015
Get the tortillawinner mug.Pat: Did you hear, Megan Shanahan had another miscarriage?
Connor: Aye, can't say I'm surprised.
Pat: Why's that?
Connor: She snaps Irish footballs every other month.
Pat: Yeah, ya really gotta stop knocking her up.
Connor: Aye, probably should stop coming home bleeding drunk and beating her within an inch of her life as well.
(drunken Irish laughter as they clink glasses)
Connor: Aye, can't say I'm surprised.
Pat: Why's that?
Connor: She snaps Irish footballs every other month.
Pat: Yeah, ya really gotta stop knocking her up.
Connor: Aye, probably should stop coming home bleeding drunk and beating her within an inch of her life as well.
(drunken Irish laughter as they clink glasses)
by griffin_t_a October 16, 2016
Get the Irish football mug.Removing the rope climb from the gym class curriculum rather than shaming the four fat kids who can't climb it. Often used as a metaphor for the pussification of America by comedian Adam Carolla.
Santa Monica could really crack down on the homeless but instead they're just taking the rope down and letting them continue to urinate in our parks.
by griffin_t_a September 11, 2009
Get the taking the rope down mug.