Irish football

A non-viable, premature baby. Coined by Adam Carolla on his podcast(1/18/13).

Pat: Did you hear, Megan Shanahan had another miscarriage?

Connor: Aye, can't say I'm surprised.

Pat: Why's that?

Connor: She snaps Irish footballs every other month.

Pat: Yeah, ya really gotta stop knocking her up.

Connor: Aye, probably should stop coming home bleeding drunk and beating her within an inch of her life as well.

(drunken Irish laughter as they clink glasses)

by griffin_t_a October 16, 2016

Falutin-free

(from Highfalutin-free) A product or culinary creation’s optimal state of existence that avoids crossing the threshold into being unnecessarily complicated or exotically flavorful as to diminish the maker’s intended experience for the consumer, which is to deliver the expected purpose or sensory stimulation. The term was coined by comedian, Adam Carolla, on “The Adam Carolla Show” podcast(January 23, 2014).

Stewardess(Over PA): On today’s flight, we will be serving a pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza with a side avocado and mango salad tossed in passion fruit vinaigrette OR a turkey sandwich.

(minutes later)

Stewardess: Which would you like, sir?

Adam: Can you tell me about the turkey sandwich?

Stewardess: Sir?

Adam: Well I’d just like to know if it’s falutin-free or if the chef who made it was jacking off, you know, like he did with the pizza.

by griffin_t_a January 24, 2014

Window of negligence

The time period when a dereliction of duty occurs. Often, an ordinarily prudent member of an organization who normally exercises the level of care generally required for their position, will request that a window of negligence be granted by their superior due to time constraints or logistical complications. The partaker, in essence, is asking for a limited-time exemption from their expected responsibilities or in some cases, after dereliction has already occurred, leniency from their superior in regards to punishment for said subpar job performance that would’ve taken place within the window. The phrase was coined by Matt Fondiler on the 4/19/16 episode of “The Adam Carolla Show.”

INT. BRIDGE OF TITANIC – APRIL 14, 1912 02:40 GMT

(Captain rushes onto the bridge)

Captain: What was that scraping sound I heard while I was in the bathroom?

First mate: Sir, I think we hit an iceberg.

Captain: You think?! Weren’t you at the helm?

First mate: Er…uh…

Captain: Well weren’t you?!!

Second mate: I know where he was Captain.

First mate: You fink!!

Second mate: I may be a fink but at least I’m not some sexual deviant who gets his rocks off watching scrawny, working-class lads plow Rubenesque socialites in the backs of Renault CB Coupe de Villes down in the cargo hold.

First mate: I was merely protecting our passengers’ property.

Second mate: Yeah, then why was your dick in your hand?

Captain: Enough!! This is clearly my fault.

First mate: Now now, Captain.

Captain: No, I should’ve given you a smaller window of negligence while I dropped the Cosby kids off at the pool.

First mate: Cosby?

Captain: He’s a negro rapist in the future who played a beloved pussy doctor on telev---Nevermind that. Ready the lifeboats!

by griffin_t_a September 23, 2016

whore-so

A lady of the night who lacks any penetrable orifices(vagina, anus, or mouth) and thus fails to provide any contribution to society. She is essentially just a torso who has outlived her use. Only in rare circumstances does she go on to become a motivational speaker or crusader for women's rights. The term was originally coined by Bryan Bishop on an episode of "The Adam Carolla Show"(5/14/13) during a segment of "Who the F Sells This S?" when the gang talks to a seller of empty liquor bottles. Adam Carolla, a notorious alcoholic, notes how the nature of an empty bottle robs the consumer of the brewers' intended enjoyment, i.e. imbibition/intoxication. Adam then likens it to a prostitute without a vagina. Newsgirl, Alison Rosen, adds the condition of said sex worker lacking any other useful orifices and reduces her to a torso. Sound Effects guy, Bryan Bishop, actually coins the term however.

(Richard Gere, driving a lamborghini, pulls up to a mouthless, torso of a whore resembling Julia Roberts)

Richard: How much for the night?

Julia: (muffled talking)

----You get the idea-----

Cue Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman"

whore-so

by griffin_t_a May 19, 2013

Jheri curl-mandering

A redistricting strategy made famous during the period in the late 1980's, when the Democratic Party moved geographic boundaries of an electoral district in California to include predominantly black-populated areas(South Central Los Angeles, Inglewood, Compton) in an effort to concentrate African American voters sporting the popular greasy hairstyle of the day, thus using 'packing' tactics to insure a constituency that would elect congressional representatives who also sported the couch-ruining do. The term for this strategy remained unnamed for nearly 30 years until comedian Adam Carolla coined it on his podcast, “The Adam Carolla Show”(Episode aired November 3, 2015.).

Congresswoman Maxine Waters may believe the science is still out on the morning after pill but she's definitely a student of the science of Jheri curl-mandering. Tracking sales of Soul Glo in order to target the perfect constituency was a flash of genius on the Democratic Party's part.

by griffin_t_a October 19, 2016

taking the rope down

Removing the rope climb from the gym class curriculum rather than shaming the four fat kids who can't climb it. Often used as a metaphor for the pussification of America by comedian Adam Carolla.

Santa Monica could really crack down on the homeless but instead they're just taking the rope down and letting them continue to urinate in our parks.

by griffin_t_a September 11, 2009

Bernadette-Bernhard scale

The most scientific scale known to man for rating the desired mouth-to-phallus ratio during the practice of oral sex. On one end of the spectrum, we have Bernadette Peters with a diminutive mouth. We'll assign her oral cavity a value of .99 carollas (unit of measurement named after Adam Carolla, a pioneer in the field of Phallometry, whose Water-Displacement Method is now the standard throughout the Penile Sciences). Multiplying this value by the average human penis size (100 carollas) yields a Carolla Psychological Satisfaction (or C.P.S.) score of 99 aces (as in, "That's just aces!"). On the other end of the spectrum, we have the less desirable orifice of Sandra Bernhard measuring .01 carollas. Once again, multiplying this value by 100 yields a score of 1 ace. This indicates that the experience of inserting the male member into Bernhard's mammoth mouth for the purpose of fellatio, while perhaps physically pleasurable, is overshadowed by the pride-shattering effects.

Monica Lewinsky: Hey, Bill, you want a BJ?

President Clinton: (covers mouthpiece of the phone he's holding) Monica, I'm on the phone with a Congressman. Sorry about that sir. (inaudible chatter from phone) Yeah, just some intern I'm banging. About a 7. But you should see the mouth on her. (more inaudible chatter) What's the Bernadette-Bernhard scale? (more chatter) Adam who? Oh, I love Birchum.

Monica Lewinsky: Bill, I'm wearing that blue dress you like.

President Clinton: Congressman, I've gotta go. But you've sure given me something to think about. Maybe I'll just work her over with a cigar.

Morgan Freeman Narrator: But he didn't. Well he did. But he also got oral. Completely rejecting the principles of the Bernadette-Bernhard scale. Two things were lost that day: America's innocence, and the confidence of the pretty well-endowed Leader of the Free World. It just goes to show you, some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are too bright. But in such a massive cage, who can see a bird anyway? Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate, get it on.

by griffin_t_a September 25, 2014