Definitions by Shepherd Guy
IKEA Bite
Wounds attained from assembling IKEA furniture. Typically the ones that have metal rods and such that need to bend so the screws line up.
I have an IKEA bite on my hand from a particularly nasty Lillåsen that I assembled while moving into a college apartment.
IKEA Bite by Shepherd Guy August 22, 2022
Strighway
Much like a stroad is a street and a road combined into an unholy abomination, a strighway is a street and a highway combined into something even worse.
In other words, it has businesses on either side like a street, but heavy high speed traffic like a highway. It’s not effective as a street because of the intense car traffic and poor walkability, nor is it effective as a highway because of the density of exits and people getting off.
Features of a strighway include giant strip malls on either side featuring supermarkets and chain restaurants, 5-lane main roads with 2-lane frontage/access roads on either side, billboards for injury lawyers, and interchanges with other strighways that are impossible to navigate.
In other words, it has businesses on either side like a street, but heavy high speed traffic like a highway. It’s not effective as a street because of the intense car traffic and poor walkability, nor is it effective as a highway because of the density of exits and people getting off.
Features of a strighway include giant strip malls on either side featuring supermarkets and chain restaurants, 5-lane main roads with 2-lane frontage/access roads on either side, billboards for injury lawyers, and interchanges with other strighways that are impossible to navigate.
Examples of strighways include the Katy Expressway near Houston, I-35 through San Antonio/Austin, and George Bush Turnpike in DFW. There are also strighways outside of Texas, like the Jersey Turnpike, but they’re most prominent in Texas.
Strighway by Shepherd Guy August 15, 2022
Towelsexual
Someone who, at one point, had sexual/romantic desires, but just threw in the towel on dating wholesale, often due to frequent rejection. Hence the name: towelsexual.
Not to be confused with asexuals/aromantics, who never had any sexual/romantic desires to begin with. Or incels, whose failures at romance stem from a boring life and lead to abject hatred towards the other gender.
The towelsexual pride flag is, well, just a towel. What did you expect? We gave up trying to design one, too.
Not to be confused with asexuals/aromantics, who never had any sexual/romantic desires to begin with. Or incels, whose failures at romance stem from a boring life and lead to abject hatred towards the other gender.
The towelsexual pride flag is, well, just a towel. What did you expect? We gave up trying to design one, too.
I was straight at one point, but after 15 women in a row said no, I threw in the towel and came out as towelsexual.
Towelsexual by Shepherd Guy August 15, 2022
Cosmetic Crit
In a video game, a critical hit that occurs when a normal hit would have killed the enemy. Typically annoying in that the crit would have been desired when the enemy was at full health.
An example of a cosmetic crit in Fire Emblem: Three Houses
*Felix goes to fight some enemy*
*He has a 40% chance of landing a crit on the enemy*
*first hit: 34 damage, enemy is almost dead*
Player: Dang, no crits.
*enemy punches Felix back, Felix takes 10 damage*
Player: Would have avoided it if he’d gotten the crit, but oh well.
Felix, going for the killing blow: I’LL CUT YOU DOWN!
Player: Seriously, Felix? You couldn’t have gotten that earlier?
*Felix goes to fight some enemy*
*He has a 40% chance of landing a crit on the enemy*
*first hit: 34 damage, enemy is almost dead*
Player: Dang, no crits.
*enemy punches Felix back, Felix takes 10 damage*
Player: Would have avoided it if he’d gotten the crit, but oh well.
Felix, going for the killing blow: I’LL CUT YOU DOWN!
Player: Seriously, Felix? You couldn’t have gotten that earlier?
Cosmetic Crit by Shepherd Guy July 20, 2022
Centroll
A centrist who is full of bad faith arguments and is willing to defend any political stance so long as it’s awful. Typically, they’ve been entirely bought out by whatever corporation dominates their state.
My congressman thinks unions and minimum wage hikes are extremist, but he wholeheartedly supports private strikebreaker forces. He thinks renewable energy and EVs are a socialist pipe dream, but he voted yes to an additional $85B in oil subsidies. He called universal healthcare is overpriced, but voted to continue the war in Berserkistan.
Literally nobody in our district supports him because he’s a centroll.
Literally nobody in our district supports him because he’s a centroll.
Centroll by Shepherd Guy May 14, 2022
Cursed Man Summer
The type of summer that those laden with powerful curses from birth have. A cursed man summer typically involves:
-Living in an old mansion/manor in the middle of nowhere, or in a creepy house at the fringes of the neighborhood at the city outskirts, talking to nobody either way
-Not keeping up with any male fashion trends whatsoever
-Staring at the wallpaper, the ceiling, the old-timey furniture, etc… for hours at a time and slowly going insane
-Playing chess against a board commanded by otherworldly spirits
-Hearing bizarre noises every night that you dare not investigate
-Battling demons in your mind 24 hours a day
-Living in an old mansion/manor in the middle of nowhere, or in a creepy house at the fringes of the neighborhood at the city outskirts, talking to nobody either way
-Not keeping up with any male fashion trends whatsoever
-Staring at the wallpaper, the ceiling, the old-timey furniture, etc… for hours at a time and slowly going insane
-Playing chess against a board commanded by otherworldly spirits
-Hearing bizarre noises every night that you dare not investigate
-Battling demons in your mind 24 hours a day
Reid: I haven’t enjoyed the summer season in three years. Looks like I’m having another cursed man summer.
JJ: Sucks, man.
JJ: Sucks, man.
Cursed Man Summer by Shepherd Guy May 7, 2022
Carbarian
A portmanteau of car + barbarian. Someone who clearly got their drivers license in a box of Cracker Jacks. These are people who behave like complete assholes behind the wheel and refuse to recognize the humanity of anyone who isn’t in a car, and frequently the other drivers on the road as well.
Typical traits of carbarians:
-Always driving at 20 mph above the speed limit, even in residential areas
-Removing the mufflers from their cars for no other reason than to make more noise
-Intentionally running over cyclists and pedestrians
-Voting against anything that would be convenient to anyone other than themselves and other carbarians, thereby turning their town into a mess of freeways, traffic jams, overpasses, and parking lots for shitty chain restaurants
-Having religious objections to using their turn signals
-Driving drunk or distracted
-Owning a low mileage car
-Having way too many political bumper stickers
-Honking at non-carbarians for doing the speed limit
-Hit and runs
-Always driving at 20 mph above the speed limit, even in residential areas
-Removing the mufflers from their cars for no other reason than to make more noise
-Intentionally running over cyclists and pedestrians
-Voting against anything that would be convenient to anyone other than themselves and other carbarians, thereby turning their town into a mess of freeways, traffic jams, overpasses, and parking lots for shitty chain restaurants
-Having religious objections to using their turn signals
-Driving drunk or distracted
-Owning a low mileage car
-Having way too many political bumper stickers
-Honking at non-carbarians for doing the speed limit
-Hit and runs
Carbarian by Shepherd Guy April 24, 2022