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up shit's creek in a barbed-wire canoe 

In serious trouble. Typically Australian version of "up the creek without a paddle."
When I reached for my credit card and found it was gone, I understood I was up shit's creek in a barbed-wire canoe.

a cow's ass sewed up with barbed wire 

a means of descibing something horrendously ugly or disgusting.
"Woo, she's uglier than a cow's ass sewed up with barbed wire."

looks like a hog's ass sewed up with barbed wire

A poor design or something that is in bad shape.
That car looks like a hog's ass sewed up with barbed wire!