John: Bob, we're at a fucking funeral, stop jerking off in the corner!
Bob: Why? Masturbation is perfectly healthy!
John: That's not masturbation, that's crassturbation.
Bob What's that?
John: Look it up on Urban Dictionary.
to masturbate and cry at the same time. Usually performed by male graduate students in the sciences or engineering. Common causes include: no women around, ugliness, poverty, stress, being dumped, etc.