'Port and starboard scran spanners' is knife and fork.
'Couldn't organise 50% leave in a two man canoe' is someone who is disorganised.
For further info find the book JackSpeak. it'll be somewhere on the internet

I've been jabbed

He was talking "jack speak", you divit.
pusser - navy, dobey - wash, dits - stories

JackSpeak is the art of talking like this:

"...No! If we don't have the key, we can't
open whatever it is we don't have that
it unlocks. So what purpose would be
served in finding whatever need be unlocked,
which we don't have, without first having
found the key what unlocks it?..."