Damn Near

Almost but not quite

I damn near cut off my finger.

Damn Near by Claydaman April 13, 2011

Rectum? Damn near killed him!

Punch line to the joke listed below.

Made popular by a scene in the movie Black Sheep where Chris Farely's character is loudly heard telling the punchline. Abscence of the body of the joke in the movie led many to believe the joke did not really exist and there was only a punchline.

Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horrible, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

The teacher corrected, "Johnnie, we say 'rectum.'"

Little Johnnie replied "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

Rectum? Damn near killed him! by JKKendrick December 26, 2009

Rectum, damn near killed him! 

This is the punchline of complete joke:

Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

Rectum, damn near killed him! by ax949 October 9, 2003

Rectum? Damn Near Killed 'Em 

A punchline to a joke, the whole joke is almost never heard.

There are various setups to this punchline. Here's one:

One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its a**.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's a**.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word 'a**' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'Em."

Or this shorter version:

Teacher: So Johnny, how was your weekend?
Johnny: Horrible. A car hit my dog, right in the a**!
Teacher (correcting Johnny's language): Rectum.
Johnny: Wrecked 'em? Damn near killed 'em!

Rectum? Damn Near Killed 'Em by the_only_real_coffee_sloth September 10, 2009

Rectum, damn near killed him! 

A joke with no beginning only a punchline...

Phase 1, underpants! Phase 2....
Phase 3 profit!

Rectum, damn near killed him! by Pabs Momoney August 25, 2003

as near as damn it 

(adjective) British slang for "virtually exact" or "so close as to appear correct."

"I say old chum, when I gave her that bukake it hit her in the eye, or as near as damn it."

as near as damn it by biggs33 March 21, 2006