programming

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:

%Create the heaven and earth!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%Create the heaven and earth!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create earth
#Done
%Run earth
#And God created the heavens and earth and they were dark. And God
saw
there were 0 errors.
%Let there be light!
#Too many perameters. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run light
#And thus there was Day and Night
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Good morning, God, Welcome to the UNIVERSE network
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognisable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
letthe dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run dry_land
#And God created dry land. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the lights in the heavens. And God saw there were 0
errors.
%Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit
tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself,
upon the earth.
#Error unmatched 'grass'
%Create grass_herbs_fruit
#Done
%Run grass_herbs_fruit
#And God brought fprth grass and herb yielding seed and the trees
yielding fruit. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind
and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Run cattle, creepy_things
#And God created cattle to graze over the land and creepy crawly
thingsto fly about the night. And God saw that there were
0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of
the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#Directory Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn#Done
%Move man Garden.edn#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy Garden.edn\man Garden.edn\woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Bugger {backspace}
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil
#Done
%Run evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn#1 errors.

%Grep Garden.edn\ 'man' 'woman'
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break

#*** ATTENTION, God: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
LOG OFF***

%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm n.
%yes

#*** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW***

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $00.00.

Do programming for the brain not the heart beat!

by alvit May 28, 2009

This problem was caused by Windows. This program was created by Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Corporation does not currently have a solution for the problem that you reported.

The most common, if not the only message you will see when linking to Microsoft's "solution pages" after using the error reportingfeature

Example: When my PC couldn't play music due to a "missing audio device error" I linked to this message screen.
So I went looking on message boards for similar issue and found one. The person posted about how Microsoft had nothing.
That forum entry was posted two YEARS before.

Me: Oh cool! I can just link to Microsoft's solution page! How convenient....

This problem was caused by Windows. This program was created by Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Corporation does not currently have a solution for the problem that you reported.

Me: You've got to be kidding. Oh Cool! Windows has a built-in help program....

by Lig Na Baste January 16, 2008

cardboard programmer

You've just spent the whole day trying to solve a problem, a design problem, a bug, etc. You know the solution is simple but you just can't see it.

A colleague walks past and notices your anguish: "What's up?".

"Oh, I'm ...". You explain the problem and what you have done so far. However you suddenly discover the solution before you have finished speaking! So far your colleague has been as useful as a cardboard cutout.

This happens often and I think it is due to you having to present your problem to someone in a way that you think will aid their understanding, often dispensing with some of the details. In doing so, you also clarify your own thoughts, untying them in your mind to eventually cite a solution.

Sometimes all it needs is a cardboard cutout of your favorite GURU!

-- RussFreeman.

Also sometimes known as a Programmer's Dummy - DarrenTarbard

My Cardboard Programmer was outsourced to a shoebox in India.

by cellular January 21, 2015

Charles River Creative Arts Program

The most awesome camp ever located at the Charles River School in Dover, MA

You went to Charles River Creative arts Program?! You are so lucky, I really want to go there!

by crcaplove July 9, 2010

Programmer

A machine that turns coffee into code.

Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they don't C#

by ThePunisher4012 February 15, 2022

Advanced Placement Program

A program backed by the College Board that offers college-level advanced placement (AP) courses. They are designed to give intellectually gifted, hard-working high school students with good grades a prospective experience in introductory college-level material. Each of the 34 AP classes prepare students to take the AP exams given every year in late April or May. If you score a 3 or higher on any exam, then whatever college you go to will give you college credit for the equivalent of that class. Of course, there is a lot of work done in these classes, and they move at a very quick pace. Don't take an AP course unless you feel that you truly, genuinely prepared for a serious academic challenge.

When I was in high school, I was one of those crazy motherfuckers that wanted to take every AP course possible. Here's a list of every AP class that I took and what I did in them:

AP World History: learned about world history minus Africa after the end of the Kemetic (Egyptian) empire, Asia after the end of the Babylonian empire, South America, and any other place on earth not relevant to European history. Coped with an ignorant teacher who didn't know the difference between Pakistan and India. One day after school, a few of my friends and I snuck into her room and played Super Smash Bros. on her tv. We recorded the game on one of her PBS tapes. When she showed it class the next day, everyone saw a wonderful match between Captain Falcon and Link, and she never found out who did it. It was great!
AP American History: Worse than World History. Different teacher; just as ignorant. Learned to fear the letters D, B, and Q. Everyone spent their time doing their calculus homework, which brings me to the next class.
AP Calculus: Hard at first; too easy later. Somewhat fun. The teacher felt superior to everybody due to her vast mathematical knowledge. Quickly forgot everything after the end of the year.
AP Physics: The devil class itself. The worst out of all the AP classes. Had a stupid pig of a teacher who definitely wasn't qualified to teach the work. He had to ask everyone in the class to help him answer the problems that he gave. Every morning in the lunchroom, we would all copy each other's homework and lab reports. During the class, we did everything from listening to music, playing GBA, conversating, sleeping, and playing the dozens with the stupid instructor. Never actually did any physics. That's why every time we had a test, the average grade was a 42 and the teacher had to give a ridiculous curve of 30 points just so that one person could pass.
AP English: Learned how to make spark notes our best friend. Did a lot of reading and writing. Really boring. Had a goofy teacher who was excited to read Hamlet and The Fixer. Gave us a "quote of the day" every single day. Why, I'll never know.
AP Government: I can't remember a single thing from that class. I fell asleep in it every day.
AP Statistics: Stupid excuse for a math class. Half of the stuff you already learned in middle school, just with bigger words and impractical formulas. Take mathematical statistics when you get into college. That's the real statistics.

Many students share similar experiences. The advanced placement program is not for the weak. Enroll in an AP class, and be prepared for a great workload, severe boredom (or as my AP English teacher would say, ennui), and, if nothing else, all hell. Those who take AP Bio, AP Chem, and any other AP course, I know your pain. However, having several AP classes does look good on your transcript, and raking in those 4's and 5's do attract those wonderful ivy league universities.

I heard that exams for AP Chinese, AP Italian, and AP Japanese are being added in the next few years. Why can't there be a cool AP course like AP Culinary Arts, AP Swahili, or AP Stage and Film Combat. C'mon.

by some punk kid June 24, 2005

program time

West coast slang for time to grind, get deep work in.

i.e working out, hustling.

"It's program time homes!"

by SDFL6 March 5, 2022