sir bartholomew mctavish's definitions

spoforife

Spoforife. Spoon. Fork. Knife. 'nuff said.

A Couple on a plane, the man has the window seat.
Kanye: Hey, Estelle, I'm feeling bonkers. Do you got a spoon, fork or a knife? I think it's called a spoforife.
Estelle: Can you be quiet for just one shitting minute?
Kanye: Hey we just touched down in London town.
Estelle: For Christ's sake, quit it with the fucking song or I'll kick you in the fucking balls again you ass hole.
Kayne: Hey look, it's the press. They don't fuck wit me.
Estelle: (Sighs.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 21, 2008

boredinary

Simple straightforward definition.Ordinary is boring. Break the mould, go for the burn, stand out from the crowd, ignore the sheep. Don't become uniform, don't be boredinary.

Man#1: You listen to that new audiobook?
Man#2: Audio what? What the shit?
Man#1: It's a book on CD
Man#2: What the fuck is a book?
Man#1: Pages,bound together,left-to-right reading. You can learn things.
Man#2: You are so boring.Books?You gay?
Man#1: No, you are boredinary, you slave to the system. Stand out man, make yourself unique. Burn your pants! Wank off a chicken or something!
Man#2: Go fuck a horse.
Man#1: Already did, it was your Mother.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 16, 2008

Christmarse

That time of year when you just can't be arsed to do anything or can't be arsed to bother with Christmas. It's about the same time all the shops cash in off December 25th by starting their X-Mas sales in Mid July and which don't end until the end of February.

Enid: Cyril, are you going to put up the decorations? It's only four days until the birthday of our Lord?

Cyril: I can't be Christmarsed.

Enid: Oh go on, I'll let you fondle my new hip?

Cyril: Fuck off you slag.I should've married your sister. At least she swallowed.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish December 21, 2008

cuntstard

1. A person who is a bastard and a cunt. Or a mixture of both.

2. Misspelt custard.

ELSIE: Any of you guys reckon that new guy at works a cuntstard?
MILLIE: Yeah, who is he?
ELSIE: My husband, oh and you're fired bitch.


FRANK: Hey did you try Lisa's cuntstard?
DEREK: That's my wife, you fuck! (Hits him.)

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish October 19, 2008

crosstitute

A ho that hasn't recieved her dough

Look at that famous TV hooker Oprah always going on about how poor people are cool when she has billions of bucks tucked away herself. I bet if she didn't get paid she be a mean crosstitute.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish June 21, 2008

dreast

A breast that's dressed.

ie: A boob still in its Bouncy Rigid Alembic (B.R.A.)

A 'dreast' can be spotted in the first thirty seconds of any adult man-milk producing video production.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish August 20, 2009

bapjizm

The act of baptising a girlfriend, wife, fuck buddy (daughter's?) breast or "baps" region with god's sticky nectar.

PATRICK:I say, did you hear that Tom Baker and Lalla Ward were married in the early 1980s?

SPONGEBOB: No. Bet she got a few bapjizm s off that ex monk ex Time Lord kick ass old dude, who's still on Little Britain.

PATRICK: Sphincter.

by Sir Bartholomew McTavish July 25, 2009