Bruce willis was born on the
moon before the dawn of time. He was the love
child between chuck norris and a
ninja. Over his life he has accomplished many tasks including going back in time to stop a time paradox from occuring, forming Pantera, and his acting career which he is most famous for. In his acting career he is most noted in the autobiography Die
Hard. However they had to change his name from Bruce Willis to John Mclaine because if
people knew that Bruce Willis actually pulled that shit off, their eyes would explode and they would piss out their liquified innards for months. Other real-life biographies include, Rambo 4, the Evil Dead series, every
george romero movie that DOESN'T suck, and the star wars series as Darth Vader, except instead of being either a whiney kid or an emo
teenager, he was actually a viking, and instead of Obi Wan kicking his ass, Bruce takes his lightsaber and gouges out both of his eyes, and force feeds them down his throat. Due to this change, instead of episodes IV, V, and VI being nothing but him chopping off
baby heads and eating everyne like it was supposed to, it turned out to be a long, complex trilogy which still kicked ass but still should have been bruce willis eating
people. However, George Lucas was in charge and he decided to go with his idea. Bruce Willis got pissed and kicked his ass so
hard after episodes 1 2 and 3 came out that he sent him back in time 30 years and was forced to write episodes 4 5 and 6 back then instead.
It is common knowledge that every time Bruce Willis says "Yippee-kai-yay mother
fucker," and emo gets sodomized with a jack hammer.
There are rumors that Bruce Willis created a sucky
jazz album. However these accusations are false. He actually released the first version of Reign In Blood by Slayer, but it was decided that the album was so hardcore that
people would die in gruesome ways upon hearing Bruce's kickass guitar playing, and thus hired the slayer we see today as the composers of the album. The sucky
jazz album was actually just Kenny
G trying to fuck up Bruce's career. Bruce is planning his immense ass-kicking as we speak.
