The alpha-male species of the chav is commonly
seen hanging around almost any street corner or outside Mc Donald’s at
night on a week
day. They are easily identifiable, they wear
baseball caps or hoods, “sports label” tracksuit trousers with socks tucked in to them, as an identification of rank (the higher the socks, the higher the Chavvy status), they ‘trend
knock-off trainers’ and can typically be seen in mock Burberry clothing. Their combat experience to accompany their rank can be distinguished by the amount of battle honours (or ASBO's) gained.
The female of the species, or Chavette, can usually be identified pushing a pram around shopping centers or pubs smoking, drinking (commonly ‘XXXX’ or ‘special
brew extra strength’) and swearing at the infant, or Chavlette. The ‘Croydon Facelift’
(where the hair is tied back into a
bun so tightly that it stretches the
skin on their face backwards) is common among the females as is cheap, imitation gold jewelry (or ‘bling’). The females status can usually be accurately judged by the sheer enormity of it’s hoped gold earrings.
The common Chav holds it’s own dialect, known as ‘Chavish’. Scientists have worked to try and understand this strange dialect for years but to no avail, however they were able to establish that Chav’s have very
small brains and an exceptionally low IQ and
common sense. The only bits of chavish you may be able to understand are the frequent and graphic swearing that the chav learns from it’s chavette
mother at an early age.
Their recreational hobbies include ‘Maxing it up’ in their cheap and nasty old bangers (commonly the
Nova and Fiesta, although a high ranking chav may drive a golden chariot (known commonly as a Saxo). They spend a fortune on large
wheels and rims or alloys, LED colored lights (the reason for this is still unknown) and the most common accessory of all – the ‘wanker
pipe’. This being a large exhaust or exhaust tip fitted to the exhaust
system of the car which seems to simply ruin the sound of the engine. It is still however unbeknown to experts exactly what is the source of all this wealth. However it may be due to their frequent sponsorship deals with ‘Max Power Magazine’ proudly displaying their half-arsed efforts at automotive design.
