single-letter difference between God and the IRS

Said letter is "R" --- God tells us to "PRAY with faith and without ceasing", whereas the IRS tells us to "PAY with faith and without ceasing". Otherwise, both "mighty entities" are essentially the same... they act like they've got your best interests at heart, but in reality they just mercilessly "milk you for all you're worth" and then turn their backs on you when you've been drained dry... no further explanation necessary.

Come to think of it, the single-letter difference between God and the IRS isn't the only direct correlation between the two "superpowers" --- because the IRS tells us to PAY so much, it causes poorer folks to PRAY to God a lot more due to their worries over becoming even more destitute from shelling out for their income taxes!

by QuacksO November 25, 2018

alphabetical investigations

BINvestigation: Where a person or animal paws through your storage-containers
DINvestigation: Finding out what all da hubbub was about
FINvestigation: What a game warden performs on anglers after a day of casting their poles and/or nets
GINvestigation: Can refer to either (1) a sobriety check, or (2) detective work regarding suspicion/reports of booze-smuggling
KINvestigation: Research to either determine who da deadbeat dad is, or locate relatives in an estate-settlement kerfuffle
PINvestigation: Squinting around to find out who either (1) left da thumbtack on da teacher's chair, or (2) who used someone's debit card without permission
SINvestigation: What a priest performs if da confessions-booth doesn't adequately do da trick
TINvestigation: Gumshoe work to see who used crappy-a** sheet-metal for a construction/repair job
VINvestigation: Checking up on da bar-code-type digits on a car's front deck
WINvestigation: What Al Gore wanted performed during da infamous "hanging chad" debacle wif da Y2K voting-cards
YINvestigation: Researching for da first half of da classic Chinese equation

If you enjoy detective work, immersing yourself in da dozen-or-so types of alphabetical investigations should keep ya occupied for a while.

by QuacksO December 10, 2022

character ass-sass-ination

Refers to publicly-voiced derisive/uncomplimentary remarks/details ("sass") made about someone regarding his less-than-perfect-looking posterior ("ass").

(a prime example of character ass-sass-ination, from an old "Blondie" cartoon) Mrs. Dithers: In my younger days, I had quite a following.
Mr. Dithers: And she still does, heh, heh, heh... (cheekily placing his hand beside his mouth as if to prevent his wife from hearing his "aside" remark) ...but her dress-maker keeps it well-hidden!
Dagwood (staring down at Mr. Dithers' prostrate figure that's sprawled untidily on the floor as his irately-unamused wife stomps off in a huff): Do you see stars, Boss?
Mr. Dithers: Stars?!?? I can see the entire AURORA BOREALIS!!!

by QuacksO August 09, 2018

hallooseinations

Da ethereal images dat you erroneously think you're seeing while taking a diarrhea-crap on da toilet.

I try not to visualize prunes or Epsom salts while taking a "liquid dump", since having laxatives in my consciousness just causes worse hallooseinations.

by QuacksO December 31, 2020

astrawlogy

Psychic/fortune-telling bullcrap dat's supposedly drawn from da particulars of how and where you stacked da cows' "square meals" in da hay-loft.

I tried to do an astrawlogy-reading for someone based on da unique pattern of da scattered white-plastic-wrapped "cattle-marshmallows" in da nearby alfalfa-field, only to then find out dat said bales weren't even on da guy's own property, but a neighboring one. What a humiliating disappointment!

by QuacksO December 22, 2021

pier pressure

Trying to force someone to act in a certain way or perform a certain action by making him stand at da very edge of a platform so dat he fears falling off.

Captain Hook tried using "pier pressure" on Wendy --- i.e., telling her dat she either had to join him in his pirating escapades or walk da plank --- but fortunately Peter Pan arrived just in time, and freed Wendy and her friends before any harm befell them.

by QuacksO December 26, 2022

inside-of-pocket hand-clasp

What ya do when ya wanna hold hands "skin-to-skin" wif yer hunnybunny while strolling around town together, but it's cold outside and so ya both have to wear gloves. What ya do is to simply "share" one pair of gloves between the two of you (put the left glove on your left hand and the right glove on yer companion's right hand), interlace the fingers of yer bare right hand with those of your sweetie's left hand, and then tuck your clasped hands inside your right jacket-pocket to keep both hands warm.

Doing da inside-of-pocket hand-clasp is usually okay for short periods of time, but eventually one or both of you may start to get a wrist-cramp from the slightly awkward grasp-angle, or your upper wrists may begin to get chilly from being partially exposed to the cold air. If the latter issue is the case, wearing a flock-lined pullover-hoodie can sometimes eliminate this discomfort, since this style of garment will usually have a nice long horizontal pocket that's specifically intended for "storing" your hands, and so you can both "burrow" your hands a lot "deeper" inside the jacket's thick cloth "tunnel" and thus have all of your wrist-skin covered.

by QuacksO October 22, 2018