That infuriating and mysterious battle between
two common household objects --- both made of white porcelain --- which causes untold headaches, especially if there's only one person in the house at the
time. You know the drill --- the telephone can be "silent" for hours, yet as soon as you
plop down on the
toilet and are in the middle of a lengthy
crap, THAT'S precisely when the 0%!$&#@ phone decides to ring, and so you have to awkwardly
jam a tissue-wad up your butt and hold it there while you penguin-strut with your trousers down around your ankles all the way across the living room to grab the receiver with your messy
hand, only to either (1) have the caller hang up just as you are lifting the receiver, or (2) have it be just either a telemarketer or a
bill-collector who'd dialed the wrong number, anyway, or (3) have the caller be a bored/crybaby/mooching neighbor who had nothing important to say/ask, but just called to shoot the breeze, whine about his miserable life (which he could easily improve if he'd just start being more responsible/diligent), or ask for a
ride, assistance with some ordinary task that he really could accomplish himself, or the loan of money/a vehicle/tools. So you'll have totally wasted your
time/effort --- not to mention half a bottle of Lysol to disinfect the phone afterwards --- to answer the phone that
time, when the call turned out to be
non-urgent and so you could have just let the answering machine take it.
Judge: Next
case --- throne vs. phone. Phone, you are hereby accused of intentionally waiting to ring until your owner goes to take a dump. How do you plead?
Phone: Guilty as charged, Your Honor, but I can't really help it... I am unable to ring if there is
nobody calling, and if there is a ring-signal sent through the telephone wires, I have to ring whether I want to or not. I
don't like to bother my owner anymore than he does; I'm just doing what I was designed to do; it'
s the inconsiderate callers who should be the real defendants here.
Judge: Good point ---
case dismissed.