1. A list of commandments brought down from the mountain by comedian Adam Carolla governing correct procedure in the preparation and
presentation of all known edibles. He didn't speak to God. No, he had a bad omelette at a Big Bear Lake Ski Resort once. Cheese just draped over the cooked omelette, not even cheddar like he ordered, but Swiss. What is he an animal? He was certainly animalistic in his rage, with nearby large-breasted patrons trying to assure him that cheddar is sometimes white like Swiss cheese. Alas, he was not calmed. But rather than complete his
transformation into a feral beast, one last "Hail Mary" neuron fired in his brain that reminded him of what it was to be human. Laws. A code to prevent civilization from collapsing. His
revelation to apply rules, standards, and norms to food preparation/presentation changed the fabric of our society from that day forward. Never again would anyone have to endure such inhumane conditions in their culinary experience. Hero.
2. Actor Jude Law's fat, balding, less successful dimwit of a brother. (Coined by Adam Carolla on
September 25, 2018 on "The Adam Carolla Show")
STEWARDESS:
Welcome back to first class of High-Falutin Air, Mr. Carolla. When we get
up in the air in about 45 minutes, I'll gladly serve you alcohol for the 3 minutes before we begin our descent. We’ll also be serving meals in that window. Since you're in seat 1A, there's a good chance you'll get some.
ADAM CAROLLA:
Oh yeah? What've you got?
Don't tell me it's that pomegranate, thyme and goat-cheese pizza. I've blown hobos that sleep on my studio stoop that taste better.
S:
Oh no, Mr. Carolla, we stopped serving that when our surveys indicated customers found it to taste like...well...like you said, "the ejaculate of an AIDS-ridden
Homeless man." Now we're serving lentil chili and...
A.C.:
Don't bother. I'll drink my lunch. Until Food Law is enforced in American airspace.
S:
Food Law? Wasn't he in "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"?
A.C.:
No, that's his younger, more attractive brother. Food Law was in "The Untalented Mr. Shitley" and "I Fart Fuckabees."
S:
Oh, I see. Anyway, want me to give you your usual road head in the John when we get in the air? After I give you your drink, of course. I know you're a raging alcoholic.
JERRY SEINFELD(row behind)
Why do they call it road head, we're gonna be 35,000 feet in the air?
A.C.:
Pipe down Jerry...unless you wanna buy my Porsche 935. I'm really
taking a bath on that one. Turns out no one remembers who the hell Paul Newman is.
S:
Oh you took a bath? Maybe my mouth won't taste like a bum's buttermilk for 3 days.
