A prime example of regressive evolution. What's left over now that Britain's
working class has become middle class.
Chavs tend to be either skinny and physically underdeveloped due to excessive consumption of illegal stimulants and long periods running from the police, or morbidly obese due to a diet consisting primarily of any American Burger Corp's finest offerings.
Chavs can often be found loitering in large herds, engaging in a range of antisocial behaviour around
urban landmarks such as bus stations, shopping malls or McDonald's - basically anywhere they may come into contact with normal folk whom they can try to
intimidate from within the safety of the chav herd.
The Chav female, or chavette, reaches breeding age at the age of 9, at which time her pregnancy to family friend "Uncle Dazza" (aged 26) may be publicised on the front page of the Sun newspaper. This may also lead to an appearance on daytime TV and a period of
incarceration for "Uncle Dazza".
Bizarrely (see mating section below), elders in Chav communities often have an obsession with
Paedophiles ("Pedos") which is often whipped into a frenzy by the
British Tabloid press. This prompts one of the Chav communities' quaintest customs - "Pedo" outings, at which Chav young are taught the basics of identifying and dealing with Pedos by (generally female) members of the Chav community. During this event, which often run in summer and take the form of a kind of community Festival, everyone from "Paediatricians" to "Podiatrists", or even just slightly beardy middle aged men, can expect to have their windows smashed, their property vandalised, or possibly even their bodies beaten by a horde of placard wielding, chain smoking Chav grandmothers (even though most of them are barely out of their 30s). In light of this, many civil
libertarians are alarmed at government moves to publicise the names of known "pedos" to the communities in which they live. It is likley, however, that identifying an offender will involve a form of higher brain activity, such as reading long words, thus mollifying a
significant element of the vigilante threat. Generally, middle aged men with scratchy beards and hygiene problems should avoid Chav communities during "Outing" festivals, as should anybody called Pete, or with a "Ped", "Pod" or similar in their job title or name.
Chavettes are known for their fecundity, and can typically be expected to have a brood of 4 children to unlocatable or jailbird fathers by the age of 17, thus allowing them a range of state support and childcare, freeing up more of their time to loiter in chav herds seeking out new breeding partners whilst "mashed" on alcopop.
The mating ritual for a chav is
interesting,
particularly in so far as there is often a substantial age difference between the male and female breeding partners (often a decade or more in favour of the male). The male is generally either a relative/ close family friend of the female, or a complete unknown. Usually, mating begins when the male identifies his partner amongst a crowd of loud female chavettes in a communal setting such as JD Whetherspoons. Her receptiveness is often signified by the role of belly fat protruding from her boob tube, the shortness of her skirt, the taughtness of her Croydon facelift, her willingness to flash her diamante thong on demand, and above all her level of
inebriation. Once he has identified her as likley to be compliant, the next step is to ply her with more alcohol, and see off
competitors with a series of
intimidating stares, or even violence if neccessary (although this may result in an early exit from the mating arena). Mating is usually in a secluded location (e.g. bent over the wheelie bins outside).
After a gestation period, usually of 9 months, the Chavette gives birth to an underweight baby who is often addicted to nicotine from the womb. She will typically name her young after a Movie star, boyband member or footballer (Romeo, Jordan, Keanu etc.) or after the place he was conceived (Cinderellas etc.). It is rare for the male Chav to have any part in the upbringing of his young, prefering instead to lodge on a succession of friend's couches until the CSA can no longer locate him and
responsibility for his genetic legacy is duly passed to the state.
Chavs can be upwardly mobile. After a short spell in a
correctional facility, many of them dispense with twoccing cars and may find cash in hand work as a doorman or labourer. Some of them may graduate to owning a white van, thus signifying that they own their own business or have a contract, which they will then use to tailgate other road users around the main roads of Britain whilst making oscillatory hand gestures.
