Definitions by Smart American Male
MLB
1. A poorly formatted league with the dumbest fans and dumbest officials that makes it the worst sport ever. It's consisted of 162 long tedious games with no time limit, whereas the "postseason" only lasts about a week long. The objective of the game is to hit a ball with a bat and guide your fellow Dominicans to home plate without getting out. But the real objective is to make the most money than any other player. Players are allowed to create buzz by talking trash, being a distraction, juicing up, and any other idiotic actions to attract the media.
2. "America's favorite past time".
3. "The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico's favorite present time".
4. A sports league made up of 29 teams and one over-dramatic news tycoon (NYY).
5. An overrated drama queen of a sport. They care so much that Bud Selig pays ESPN to cover the MLB 24/7, even during the offseason. Whenever ESPN doesn't highlight any games, they whine like little bitches about the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Mets, Manny Ramirez, Ozzie Guillen, steroid scandals, retired players in investigations, and any other bullshit they can think of.
6. A method to make a load of money by barely doing anything at all. Such notable activities include standing on a grass field, sitting in a dugout, running 90 feet, running 10 feet to grab the baseball, standing on a small white bag, doing a couple of silly movements to throw the ball really fast to a teammate standing just 50 feet away, and many many more adrenalating activities. Of course, those other players don't get much money for running back and forth every play trying to swerve past other guys and lob the ball in an orange ring, or trying to carry the ball for about 300 feet at the expense that you get knocked down every play. Sure, I believe you.
2. "America's favorite past time".
3. "The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico's favorite present time".
4. A sports league made up of 29 teams and one over-dramatic news tycoon (NYY).
5. An overrated drama queen of a sport. They care so much that Bud Selig pays ESPN to cover the MLB 24/7, even during the offseason. Whenever ESPN doesn't highlight any games, they whine like little bitches about the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Mets, Manny Ramirez, Ozzie Guillen, steroid scandals, retired players in investigations, and any other bullshit they can think of.
6. A method to make a load of money by barely doing anything at all. Such notable activities include standing on a grass field, sitting in a dugout, running 90 feet, running 10 feet to grab the baseball, standing on a small white bag, doing a couple of silly movements to throw the ball really fast to a teammate standing just 50 feet away, and many many more adrenalating activities. Of course, those other players don't get much money for running back and forth every play trying to swerve past other guys and lob the ball in an orange ring, or trying to carry the ball for about 300 feet at the expense that you get knocked down every play. Sure, I believe you.
1. The MLB sucks.
2. US Citizen: I used to like the MLB. Wow, was I such a stupid, stupid kid.
3. Islander: Like baseball is our religion! Every day we go to the church to pray to Babe Ruth.
4. Yankee fan: The Yankees are the best team EVER! Like they land all the good players and shit, and I'm oblivious to why that is. But I heard they are all great in bed, according to ESPN, so that must make them great players!
5. ESPN anchor: Did you know that there are 5 pitchers that homered in a 1-0 game? Just how stupid is this stat?! Nawmally good!
This just in, Sportscenter ratings sink 100% after covering their 30th straight hour on A-Rod's personal crisis.
6. Derek Jeter: LOL Hockey sucks! Even though I won't last three minutes in an ice rink. I have no penis.
2. US Citizen: I used to like the MLB. Wow, was I such a stupid, stupid kid.
3. Islander: Like baseball is our religion! Every day we go to the church to pray to Babe Ruth.
4. Yankee fan: The Yankees are the best team EVER! Like they land all the good players and shit, and I'm oblivious to why that is. But I heard they are all great in bed, according to ESPN, so that must make them great players!
5. ESPN anchor: Did you know that there are 5 pitchers that homered in a 1-0 game? Just how stupid is this stat?! Nawmally good!
This just in, Sportscenter ratings sink 100% after covering their 30th straight hour on A-Rod's personal crisis.
6. Derek Jeter: LOL Hockey sucks! Even though I won't last three minutes in an ice rink. I have no penis.
MLB by Smart American Male May 3, 2009
Sportscenter
A daily block of mini sports soap operas packed into one hour. Programs listed in order and the length of the episodes vary:
Yankee Country
Manny Knows Best
The Favre Saga
The Misadventures of T.O.
Lebrontourage
The Red Sox Chronicles (or sometimes a rerun of Yankee Country)
repeat the cycle until 2PM EST.
And check this, they leave women doing the morning shift.
Yankee Country
Manny Knows Best
The Favre Saga
The Misadventures of T.O.
Lebrontourage
The Red Sox Chronicles (or sometimes a rerun of Yankee Country)
repeat the cycle until 2PM EST.
And check this, they leave women doing the morning shift.
ESPN anchor: And still to come, we take a trip to Ben Roethlisberger's natural habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Later, a rapper comes on stage! What the fuck does this have to do with sports? Who knows?! Don't tell us how to do our business, bitch! It's nawmally good!
Viewer: Man, even Sportscenter could use an offseason.
Viewer: Man, even Sportscenter could use an offseason.
Sportscenter by Smart American Male April 29, 2009
Teen Choice Awards
Kid's Choice Awards 2.0. Ages 5 - 8. Created by FOX. A rigged, scripted, unofficial awards show presenting fake awards to very "special" child celebrities who set bad examples to children of older or equal age, mostly to Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. They use laugh tracks to make it even more stupider.
Smart celebrity nominated for an award: I think I am too old for the Teen Choice Awards. I am not even going to attend, like I give a shit if I win one.
Teen Choice Awards by Smart American Male March 22, 2009
ESPN
A sports channel owned by Disney. Takes all their shit too far and when they're too butthurt over Favre, the Yankees, or anything in the MLB, then they won't show highlights when they are suppose to. Sportscenter is cheap too. They give it that ghetto like flavor because somehow they believe their main demographic is black street thugs. When they spew shit from their mouths the most, it's from the rigged championship games, and don't inform if they really were cheating because they hold bias opinions and like to show them off in an arrogant way (ex: the Steelers). Many athletes plan to sue ESPN for humilating them and for how much they can't report and anchor for caca.
ESPN anchor: Phillies win the World Series! Oh my god! Yes! Let's go and cover this for like 3 weeks.
Viewer: 3 weeks! The postseason only lasted for ONE week. Plus baseball sucks. *changes channel and eventually flips back tp ESPN where it shows the anchorman raping Favre*
ESPN Anchor: Uh, OH NO!
Favre: *girly scream*
Viewer: 3 weeks! The postseason only lasted for ONE week. Plus baseball sucks. *changes channel and eventually flips back tp ESPN where it shows the anchorman raping Favre*
ESPN Anchor: Uh, OH NO!
Favre: *girly scream*
ESPN by Smart American Male February 16, 2009
Zac Enron
A funny name for Disney's untalented douchebag prettyboy, Zac Efron. In relation to the bankrupt Energy corporation known as Enron. Used as an insult to clue people in that Efron will go out of style pretty soon as well as every Disney Channel star.
Zac Efron: I'm Zac Enron! I am afraid of girls, I have no penis, and I kill small animals with my voice! I hate you. Can I have all your money for my marketing ploy?
Average American: That's nice, sir. Tell somebody who cares.
Average American: That's nice, sir. Tell somebody who cares.
Zac Enron by Smart American Male January 18, 2009
Miley Cyrus
1The Chosen One. As in the one chosen to tarnish the entire country with her success.
2The Bomb. By the bomb, I mean her music is shipped to enemy forces overseas, then terrorists listen to it and kill themselves.
3Hannah Montana. Clearly the most awful program in entertainment. It's even banned from countries with people who have sensitive hearing. So fake that is makes the Final Fantasy series look nonfictional.
4 A no talent attention whore who doesn't have friends and only acts for money and attention. Also if you're over 15 and enjoy her music or shows-- wow! That's like 5 million of you! Hohohoh...
2The Bomb. By the bomb, I mean her music is shipped to enemy forces overseas, then terrorists listen to it and kill themselves.
3Hannah Montana. Clearly the most awful program in entertainment. It's even banned from countries with people who have sensitive hearing. So fake that is makes the Final Fantasy series look nonfictional.
4 A no talent attention whore who doesn't have friends and only acts for money and attention. Also if you're over 15 and enjoy her music or shows-- wow! That's like 5 million of you! Hohohoh...
God: *holding baby Miley* Billy Ray. I bestow upon you little baby Miley Cyrus. I present to you a queen and future ruler of entertainment. The chosen one! *drops baby Miley on her head* ...Oopsie...
Miley Cyrus by Smart American Male January 18, 2009
Hayden Panettiere
We'll let's just say she's nothing like a Disney Channel actress.
Let's look stuff up. Hands down Hayden is a far better dresser with a taste of a 30 year old. Whereas girls from Disney dress very skanky. Vanessa Hudgens always takes pictures with Hayden so she doesn't look bad. Well compared to her, she does, always. Hayden 1, Disney 0.
She actually started singing at a young age, can carry a note, and has won awards for songs in movies such as A Bug's Life. Today's Disney stars have no experience at singing but they do it anyway to get money and for people like girls and gays and shit to like them. Miley, Vanessa, Ashley, the Jonases, Demi, Selena, Zac? Pfft, do you see a pattern here? This just screams "marketing ploy", and their singing voices are used to kill terrorists. Hayden 2, Disney 0.
Speaking of marketing ploys, Hayden was offered a role in High School Musical. The smart decision was that she refused and did not want the burden of being a clingy attention whore, and would rather breakout as a big star when she turned an appropriate age and have a bright future ahead of her. The Disney actors either don't know how to count, or they are just spoiled brats who want everything now. In 3 years they will all go to rehab or jail or become washups. Hayden 3, Disney 0.
Hayden is also very down to earth, and puts people first over money or fame. She's also a spokeswoman for the Whaleman Foundation and once tried to stop whaling in person. She hopes to become the president of the organization when she retires. Disney? Pfft. Name one time they really went out of their way to help people. That Miley New Year's party was just a set up by MTV to get ratings. And the Jonases get paid for sponsoring the Salvation Army. So yeah name one time...I thought so. Hayden 4, Disney 0.
It's ironic to see that one 19 year old woman beats all of the Disney Channel (ages 14 - 23) in prestige, personality, and reputation. Plus she's hot!
Let's look stuff up. Hands down Hayden is a far better dresser with a taste of a 30 year old. Whereas girls from Disney dress very skanky. Vanessa Hudgens always takes pictures with Hayden so she doesn't look bad. Well compared to her, she does, always. Hayden 1, Disney 0.
She actually started singing at a young age, can carry a note, and has won awards for songs in movies such as A Bug's Life. Today's Disney stars have no experience at singing but they do it anyway to get money and for people like girls and gays and shit to like them. Miley, Vanessa, Ashley, the Jonases, Demi, Selena, Zac? Pfft, do you see a pattern here? This just screams "marketing ploy", and their singing voices are used to kill terrorists. Hayden 2, Disney 0.
Speaking of marketing ploys, Hayden was offered a role in High School Musical. The smart decision was that she refused and did not want the burden of being a clingy attention whore, and would rather breakout as a big star when she turned an appropriate age and have a bright future ahead of her. The Disney actors either don't know how to count, or they are just spoiled brats who want everything now. In 3 years they will all go to rehab or jail or become washups. Hayden 3, Disney 0.
Hayden is also very down to earth, and puts people first over money or fame. She's also a spokeswoman for the Whaleman Foundation and once tried to stop whaling in person. She hopes to become the president of the organization when she retires. Disney? Pfft. Name one time they really went out of their way to help people. That Miley New Year's party was just a set up by MTV to get ratings. And the Jonases get paid for sponsoring the Salvation Army. So yeah name one time...I thought so. Hayden 4, Disney 0.
It's ironic to see that one 19 year old woman beats all of the Disney Channel (ages 14 - 23) in prestige, personality, and reputation. Plus she's hot!
Vanessa Hudgens: HAYDEN! How have you been?! Like, my black slutty whore costume is gonna melt any minute. Can I get a picture with you again so I won't look like shit?
Hayden Panettiere: Does it matter? (Oh god why?)
Hayden Panettiere: Does it matter? (Oh god why?)
Hayden Panettiere by Smart American Male January 18, 2009