Definitions by Charlemagne1993
Tom
1.
A rampaging dickhead. An egotistical arsehole who thinks he's God's gift but whose worth as an individual is about roughly equivalent to that of a pile of kangaroo shit. Someone who continually spouts the sort of stupid drivel that gets people fatally bashed (regrettably, however, never him), and who almost certainly eats shit on a daily basis. A person whom Trump- to no small advantage- could take lessons in how to be a shitty individual from. That obnoxious person who stands at 5"3' but acts as if he's twice that height. In short basically a worthless, argumentative, hypocritical, coarse and ill-mannered individual who is quick to judge and complain about everything, ill-informed about even topics he claims to be knowledgeable in, and in whose presence even Gandhi would rapidly begin to strongly entertain homicidal endeavours relating to curb stomping and dismemberment within.
2.
Any despicable, worthless individual who you would be much better off not knowing in life.
A rampaging dickhead. An egotistical arsehole who thinks he's God's gift but whose worth as an individual is about roughly equivalent to that of a pile of kangaroo shit. Someone who continually spouts the sort of stupid drivel that gets people fatally bashed (regrettably, however, never him), and who almost certainly eats shit on a daily basis. A person whom Trump- to no small advantage- could take lessons in how to be a shitty individual from. That obnoxious person who stands at 5"3' but acts as if he's twice that height. In short basically a worthless, argumentative, hypocritical, coarse and ill-mannered individual who is quick to judge and complain about everything, ill-informed about even topics he claims to be knowledgeable in, and in whose presence even Gandhi would rapidly begin to strongly entertain homicidal endeavours relating to curb stomping and dismemberment within.
2.
Any despicable, worthless individual who you would be much better off not knowing in life.
1.
Parent: Timmy, tell the teacher which kid in your class it was that tore off all his clothes, wrecked all your stationery, smashed all the computer screens, peed on some of your classmates, smeared poo on the walls, and knocked himself out attempting to run through a wall?
Timmy: It was Tom. Also he got a stick and was trying to stab us with it when we told him we didn't want him to wreck our sandcastles
Teacher: Well of course it was Tom!
2.
Child: Mummy, what's that dirty smelly thing by the side of the road?
Parent: Come away Billy, quickly. That's a Tom, I don't want him lowering you to his level of worthlessness
Parent: Timmy, tell the teacher which kid in your class it was that tore off all his clothes, wrecked all your stationery, smashed all the computer screens, peed on some of your classmates, smeared poo on the walls, and knocked himself out attempting to run through a wall?
Timmy: It was Tom. Also he got a stick and was trying to stab us with it when we told him we didn't want him to wreck our sandcastles
Teacher: Well of course it was Tom!
2.
Child: Mummy, what's that dirty smelly thing by the side of the road?
Parent: Come away Billy, quickly. That's a Tom, I don't want him lowering you to his level of worthlessness
Tom by Charlemagne1993 July 18, 2019
Thea
Thea is a smart, athletic, popular girl whom just about every man admires and every woman probably wants to be like.
But for three notable flaws in her character (an inability to maintain a kitchen to acceptable levels of hygiene and general cleanliness, a disinclination to talk at length about trains, and an apparent willingness to date men who are probably beneath her) she would unquestionably be #girlfriendgoals to the max.
But for three notable flaws in her character (an inability to maintain a kitchen to acceptable levels of hygiene and general cleanliness, a disinclination to talk at length about trains, and an apparent willingness to date men who are probably beneath her) she would unquestionably be #girlfriendgoals to the max.
Girlfriend: I'm not jealous... but should I be jealous of that woman?
Boyfriend: Yeah not going to lie, you probably should be to be honest
Girlfriend: Yeah, fair call
Bloke 1: Mate who was that cool girl you were just talking to?!
Bloke 2: Ah yeah, that was Thea, the one I was telling you about who explicitly told me she doesn't care that much for trains
Bloke 1: True? Too bad ay, it's a damn shame
Bloke 2: Fucken oath it is
Boyfriend: Yeah not going to lie, you probably should be to be honest
Girlfriend: Yeah, fair call
Bloke 1: Mate who was that cool girl you were just talking to?!
Bloke 2: Ah yeah, that was Thea, the one I was telling you about who explicitly told me she doesn't care that much for trains
Bloke 1: True? Too bad ay, it's a damn shame
Bloke 2: Fucken oath it is
Thea by Charlemagne1993 September 1, 2018
Charles
Although supposed to be the moniker of men who embody the traits of strength, kinsmanship and nobility, bearers of this name are almost invariably pallid over-educated white guys with delusions of grandeur who, although generally well-meaning, are often socially awkward to the point of being socially unacceptable, and the sort people who need to write positive things about themselves on UD in order to feel better about themselves. Avoid Charleses where possible.
Charles: <Tipping fedora> The good time of day to you, m'lady
Random woman: Erm, hi...?
Charles: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Random woman: Erm, no, I suddenly remembered I was just leaving actually... <Walks away hurriedly>
Random woman: Erm, hi...?
Charles: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Random woman: Erm, no, I suddenly remembered I was just leaving actually... <Walks away hurriedly>
Charles by Charlemagne1993 October 12, 2017
Beancake
1. Any cake, sweet or savoury, that counts beans among its chief distinguishing ingredients.
2. An individual, usually of short to medium height, burly build and unhealthy appearance, who bears some resemblance to a bean, and who in many cases has only the attractiveness and athletic ability of one. (Cf. Beefcake- an athletic, muscular person.)
3. (In science fiction) The largest and most powerful caste of Beanoid, a race of giant sentient bipedal extraterrestrial bean beings. Beancakes almost invariably occupy the upper echelons of Beanoid military hierarchy and are second only to Beanmasters in the level of authority they hold within Beanoid society.
2. An individual, usually of short to medium height, burly build and unhealthy appearance, who bears some resemblance to a bean, and who in many cases has only the attractiveness and athletic ability of one. (Cf. Beefcake- an athletic, muscular person.)
3. (In science fiction) The largest and most powerful caste of Beanoid, a race of giant sentient bipedal extraterrestrial bean beings. Beancakes almost invariably occupy the upper echelons of Beanoid military hierarchy and are second only to Beanmasters in the level of authority they hold within Beanoid society.
Finding that the Cantonese-style red beancake was much to his liking, Jason ordered several more for the road
Tom, with his short stature, flabby build and unlovely appearance bore all the trademark characteristics of a beancake- an unfortunate fact which coupled with the starkly contrasting elegance and refinement of his associates meant he was often quickly dismissed as a possible partner by the women he would meet out on the town
The biggest and most aggressive form of Beanoid, Beancakes can be distinguished from others of their species not only by their imposing physique and strength, but also the excessively impressive weapons they heft and the indecorous kill-trophies with which they commonly festoon their armour
Tom, with his short stature, flabby build and unlovely appearance bore all the trademark characteristics of a beancake- an unfortunate fact which coupled with the starkly contrasting elegance and refinement of his associates meant he was often quickly dismissed as a possible partner by the women he would meet out on the town
The biggest and most aggressive form of Beanoid, Beancakes can be distinguished from others of their species not only by their imposing physique and strength, but also the excessively impressive weapons they heft and the indecorous kill-trophies with which they commonly festoon their armour
Beancake by Charlemagne1993 October 4, 2017
Beanmaster
1. The Supreme Master of Beans.
2. (In science fiction) A member of the fifth caste of the Beanoid species, a race of giant sentient bipedal extraterrestrial bean beings. Beanmasters form a ruling elite over the other castes that make up the bulk of the Beanoid population and their directions shape and steer the course the Beanoid Empire takes in its dealings with other sentient species.
2. (In science fiction) A member of the fifth caste of the Beanoid species, a race of giant sentient bipedal extraterrestrial bean beings. Beanmasters form a ruling elite over the other castes that make up the bulk of the Beanoid population and their directions shape and steer the course the Beanoid Empire takes in its dealings with other sentient species.
All hail Beanmaster Charles- Supreme Master of The Beans!
"… And so it came to pass in the 5,988th year of the Galactic Era that the Beanmasters united the quarreling factions of the Beanoids, and set them on the path to forging what would in time become the formidable Beanoid Empire: the Federation's direst foe."
~Extract from The Official History of the Bean Wars: Volume I
"… And so it came to pass in the 5,988th year of the Galactic Era that the Beanmasters united the quarreling factions of the Beanoids, and set them on the path to forging what would in time become the formidable Beanoid Empire: the Federation's direst foe."
~Extract from The Official History of the Bean Wars: Volume I
Beanmaster by Charlemagne1993 October 4, 2017
Vellichor
Walking past my local bookstore I am always filled with a recondite sense of vellichor
Vellichor gripped her as she crossed the worn wooden threshold of the old bookshop
Vellichor gripped her as she crossed the worn wooden threshold of the old bookshop
Vellichor by Charlemagne1993 September 15, 2017
Trumpet-in-chief
Alternative title for President Trump, one of the greatest propounders of stupid bullshit the world's ever seen.
Nobody trumpets stupid, stupid bullshit like him. Believe it, nobody. It's unpresidented. Sad!
Nobody trumpets stupid, stupid bullshit like him. Believe it, nobody. It's unpresidented. Sad!
A: So, our president just tweeted again...
B: What's the Trumpet-in-chief come out with this time, or do I not want to know?
A: Would you look at that, our Trumpet-in-chief just managed to say something self-contradictory AND hypocritical, and in the space of only two sentences! Impressive even by his standards!
B: Damn man, give a guy a break already! Being informed about a topic like immigration, and able to talk about it without sounding like a blathering, inconsistent idiot can't be easy you know- he's only the president after all!
B: What's the Trumpet-in-chief come out with this time, or do I not want to know?
A: Would you look at that, our Trumpet-in-chief just managed to say something self-contradictory AND hypocritical, and in the space of only two sentences! Impressive even by his standards!
B: Damn man, give a guy a break already! Being informed about a topic like immigration, and able to talk about it without sounding like a blathering, inconsistent idiot can't be easy you know- he's only the president after all!
Trumpet-in-chief by Charlemagne1993 September 13, 2017