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Old lady playin’ squat tag in an asparagus patch 

When your homie starts lagginbehind and starts being lazy as fuck
God damn it Jarvis, quit actin’ like an old lady playin’ squat tag in an asparagus patch and get movin.’

there was an old lady with skin patches who swallowed a horse 

A dark story for children that ends with the words "Perhaps She'll Die", with the exception of the very end where the old lady is finally dead.
Guy 1: Did you hear how there was an old lady with skin patches who swallowed a horse?

Guy 2: No what happened to her?

Guy 1: She died

Guy 2: Why did nobody help her?

Guy 1: She died after she ate the horse with patches and became deaf and her skin fell off

Guy 2: Wtf!