The Suttonator
A machine, patented by The English Department Ltd, and designed purely to be possibly the most anti-social and hated contraption ever created.
It contains 8 million anal transistors and just under 6 million bitch capacitors.
The quirky designers implemented a function in the machine to make it teach English, and with that constantly brag about the degree it got at Oxford University; however they did not program it to mention that it was Oxford Brookes.
The Suttonator has many pre-programmed voice commands and jingles; predominantly 'stop masticating', 'spit or swallow please' and the term 'Spankage'. Everything else it emits from its 380 Watt mouth is just indistinguishable shouting and screaming.
The machine is designed to hate and be spiteful to everyone it encounters, but a small bug in the software makes it particularly fond of just a few students it teaches. It favours them above the rest of the class and showers them with praise and prizes. We still do not know today how this behaviour is formed, but it is suspected it has something to do with good behaviour in class.
The design of The Suttonator is far from original. It is clearly closely inspired and almost an exact pastiche of Miss Sutton, the English Teacher. The only difference being that the machine cannot lactate; although there is no evidence that the human can either.
Like 'Miss Sutton', The Suttonator has weaknesses: It hates to be humiliated in front of an audience and particularly dislikes people who are irritatingly cheerful.
If you are subject of this, then you may be asked to 'stay behind after class'; a cheap but effective ploy in eliminating the perpetrator.
No machine is without disadvantages, and The Suttonator has a severe problem with agility. Due to it's obscene weight and wide-birth extremities, it's top speed is 0.36 km/h, and has trouble fitting through doorways that it immediately claims have shrunk.
Always dressed in a green coat, this machine closely resembles a concorde pear, with it's very wide hips, narrowing towards towards the head.
It contains 8 million anal transistors and just under 6 million bitch capacitors.
The quirky designers implemented a function in the machine to make it teach English, and with that constantly brag about the degree it got at Oxford University; however they did not program it to mention that it was Oxford Brookes.
The Suttonator has many pre-programmed voice commands and jingles; predominantly 'stop masticating', 'spit or swallow please' and the term 'Spankage'. Everything else it emits from its 380 Watt mouth is just indistinguishable shouting and screaming.
The machine is designed to hate and be spiteful to everyone it encounters, but a small bug in the software makes it particularly fond of just a few students it teaches. It favours them above the rest of the class and showers them with praise and prizes. We still do not know today how this behaviour is formed, but it is suspected it has something to do with good behaviour in class.
The design of The Suttonator is far from original. It is clearly closely inspired and almost an exact pastiche of Miss Sutton, the English Teacher. The only difference being that the machine cannot lactate; although there is no evidence that the human can either.
Like 'Miss Sutton', The Suttonator has weaknesses: It hates to be humiliated in front of an audience and particularly dislikes people who are irritatingly cheerful.
If you are subject of this, then you may be asked to 'stay behind after class'; a cheap but effective ploy in eliminating the perpetrator.
No machine is without disadvantages, and The Suttonator has a severe problem with agility. Due to it's obscene weight and wide-birth extremities, it's top speed is 0.36 km/h, and has trouble fitting through doorways that it immediately claims have shrunk.
Always dressed in a green coat, this machine closely resembles a concorde pear, with it's very wide hips, narrowing towards towards the head.
The Suttonator: I didn't spend 3 years at Oxford University to deal with badly behaved children! I've got my degree, I've done my GCSEs; I don't give a monkeys about you lot!
The Suttonator by Actiasluna April 26, 2009
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