A
winter's
bone is a sexual act in which the giver enters the talent from behind while holding a snowball (connoisseurs prefer one composed of lightly-packed, freshly-fallen Park City snow) against the small of the partner's back. Body heat
will cause the snowball to melt, and the ice cold water
will trickle down to where the deal is being done. For an increased degree of difficulty, the producer can forgo the snowball and plunge his
junk into a snow bank after several thrusts for the same chilling effect. Real pros know the
perfect count is seven thrusts between dips in the snowpack, one thrust for each desired distributor (Searchlight, Lionsgate, Focus, Summit, Weinstein, Overture, Apparition), and
will call the distribs out in order while plowing away, hinting at the kind of gratifying release only over-worked and under-sexed acquisitions executives and sales agent can fully appreciate.
For maximum authenticity a winter's
bone is performed at a film festival, preferably with a festival volunteer as the receiver. Bonus points are awarded if the act is performed within sight of a theater that screened Debra Granik's 2010 Sundance Film Festival Grand Jury
Drama Prize-winning film.
After sitting through Welcome to the Rileys, Teenage Paparazzo, happythankyoumoreplease and The Imperialists Are Still Alive! in one afternoon, it was only the
winter's
bone with the hostess from High West Saloon after the Joan Jett concert that made it a
day worth having gotten out of bed for.
