pilchard 

A fish, often tinned and doused in lashings of tomato sauce.

In human form: a pilchard is a no good, manipulating git who slimes into your life without warning, often in an underhand and devious manner. The pilchard, or pilch, (if you will) will take you for all you are worth, sucking you dry of emotion, money and soul. They have a distinctive look (like Eddie Windass off Coronation Street) but this may be overlooked due to their uncanny ability to fit in and mingle with the everyday folk and ultimately defecate on the lives of all they come into contact with.

That Phil is such a pilchard, he lived off me for a year and even got his mum to re-mortgage her house so he could spend it on Richmond Superkings and Joop. Next time I see him I'm going to marinate him in tomato sauce!

pilchard by loufoo April 28, 2011

pilchard 

Idiot, fool, incompetent. A general all-purpose name to call people. Good when you are losing an argument, it can even combat mother-calling.

Guy 1 "Yeah but your mum's a slag"
Guy 2 "Shut it you PILCHARD"

pilchard by hypnoticme February 19, 2005

pilchard 

A dumbass with redeeming qualities.

A pilchard is actually a fish: Any of various small marine fishes related to the herrings, especially a commercially important edible species, Sardina pilchardus, of European waters.

The distinction here is that a pilchard is quite a stupid, inconsequential fish, but it is edible, so it has redeeming qualities.

You're quite the pilchard today aren't you?

pilchard by The Count of GQ January 17, 2008

Pilchard 

The cute blue cat who belongs to Bob the Builder. Why she's blue, who knows - it's a cartoon.

Pilchard once took her food bowl all the way to Bob at the job site when he forgot to feed her.

Pilchard by Kristo-Ham December 22, 2014

pilchard 

A word invented by Sarah Collins, when she grew tired of calling idiotic people 'Pillocks' and realised that Pilchard had the same effect.

Jamin you are such a Pilchard!!

pilchard by Julie Andrews February 20, 2005

Nepalese Pilchard Shite 

The horrific and most problematic shit from the subcontinent that there is, usually it causes any unfortunate victims to get traumatic brain trauma and subsequently go into a coma. Can usually be found in corner shops from men called Durgesh.

"Hello Ankeet, I have just done the fiddly diddly Nepalese Pilchard Shite"
"Oololololol, I think I am doing the get the brain trauma Durgesh, you stinky boi boi"

Nepalese Pilchard Shite by StinkyBoy556 March 20, 2019

Tinned Pilchard 

When a Raccoon (usually of the Portuguese variant) breaks in to your home and defecates on the kitchen floor. Usually, having been attracted by the smell of cheese and ham crackers.

Steve: “Oh for fuck’s sake Tom, have you had a shit on the kitchen floor?”

Tom: “it wasn’t me, it must have been another tinned Pilchard incident”

Tinned Pilchard by Stemol August 31, 2023