Ascension School 

Ascension School is a private school in Oak Park that was established by the Ursuline Sisters in 1912. Its great place to ruin your child’s life. The uniforms would look more flattering on Steve Buscemi then on literally anyone there. They have gym twice a week with the actual corpse of George Washington. That school has gone through more spanish teachers than Taylor Swift has boyfriends. Only decent person who works there is the janitor. The hot lunches went “healthy” which I’m sure is code for containing human flesh. Half the staff wears open toe shoes so the children suffer through horrible education while starting at hairy toes. There are more health codes broken here then in a Mcdonald’s. The students are treated worse than the employers at the hooters on undercover boss. The only decent thing learned is how to roll joints taught by a kid that smoked actual oregano. You might accidently watch a religious movie where a girl is in an abusive relationship so she cheats on him to make him mad him then gets gang raped then runs away and almost dies but Jesus revives her then a queen helps her and has a lesbian make out sesh because a class actually watched this. Wouldn’t be surprised to see a rat in the gym smoking a joint, drinking, and shooting up some heroine all at once. The dances are jokes unless you get blessed by the occasional drunk teacher showing up to twerk on you.

“I’d rather give Hitler a bjthan attend Ascension School”
“But dude you’re Jewish”
“Your point?”

Ascension School by Justice F. Harambe October 18, 2016

Ascension School 

The worlds most potent type of enema.

“I just can’t took an Ascension School”
“Why the fuck would you go up to a random person on the street and tell them that?”

Ascension School by HarambeLivesInOurHearts June 2, 2022

Ascension Middle School 

Ascension Middle and Elementary School is a school full of bullshit. BULLSHIT I TELL YOU! it costs 6 thousand dollars a year to go there, and you STILL have to pay for lunch while George Washington’s corpse (the gym teacher) rambles on about how she shared one ball with her 72 brothers and sisters. The teachers are homophobes and one divorced her husband because he was bisexual. They will see you with some black dyed hair and will lecture you until the stupid kid named fucking xyleigh will crack a rotten egg on your head and tear out a patch of your hair. The Ursuline sisters are shit. The last one we had was in 1987. Also the fact that for SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR, you still won’t be accommodated for being non religious. No Nancy Figglehorn the lunch lady, I don’t want to be in a church when I am Jewish. Just this year, they bought smartboards in place of all the perfectly fine whiteboards. The music teacher is annoying and one of them even locked a kid in a classroom for detention. they also would never give free lunch, even if a kid didn’t show up. It’s bad until you realize they were saving that kid. The spaghetti was crunchy on the outside, and WHO TOLD THEM CHEAP DEEP DISH WAS GOOD? it tastes, looks, and smells like a pile of shit. They didn’t even have effort to cook the mini waffles we sometimes got. The best thing they had was pizza sticks, just sticks with cheese inside. The janitors are the nicest people there.

Guy A: “My school really sucks. They make us eat oatmeal!”

Guy B: “Ascension Middle School is so much worse, they make us eat raw cranberries.”

Ascension Middle School by Ascension Is Homophobic July 28, 2022