Use the Paddles

A phrase often used on people in trouble or requesting help. Unlike conventional phrases, it means that you can't help them, and they're on their own. Coined by a bystander watching a man trying to fight pirates off his paddle boat, but was overpowered.

Usually used in cases when the troubled person has no hope of winning otherwise, or is very likely to fail without outside support.

Soldier: "Sir! The enemy broke through our defenses! We can't hold them off!"
Commander: "USE THE PADDLES!"

Student 1: "Hey, I forgot to study for the test today. Any advice you could give me?"
Student 2: "Well, I guess you have to use the paddles."
Student 1: "Aw, shit."

by AdmiralofShe October 16, 2016

Paddle faster, I hear banjos!

A common exclamation when in or around hillbilly infested areas. Doesn't necessarily need to be used when in a canoe; merely a warning to the other non-hillbillies in the vicinity.

It was a bright and sunny day when my father and I decided to go fishing down by the ol' waterhole. I remember that the seagulls looked like delicate little clouds, fluttering in the breeze. We made our way to our canoe and rowed out, fishing rods in hand and a song in our hearts. As we made our way down to the waterhole, we became aware of an eerie silence. The trees around us swayed to a halt. Then, quietly at first but raising in intensity, we heard the twang of a banjo. My father turned to me, his face colorless as he said "Paddle faster, I hear banjos!"

by Survival Guide May 12, 2010

Paddle Hand

An individual's preferred and dominant hand used for male or female masturbation.

My left hand is my paddle hand.

Hey braaaahhh. How's your mom's paddle hand.

Carl can't beat off for a while cause he broke his paddle hand.

by Eaton Holgoode April 13, 2017

dirtbag paddler

(noun) Paddler, of any level, who loves the River and the river lifestyle.

Goes rafting, kayaking, canoeing, SUP, whatever! Swims like a fish, and loves rain as much as sun. May be broke in the pocket, but rich and giving in the soul. Speaks the universal language, that of the River, in any of the tongues of the Dirtbag Paddler World - which is all of them. Survives on whatever it takes to get that next WALLACE fix. Would throw a rope to anyone! If your car smells like your gear, or better yet if you HAVE no car, you're a dirtbag.

One Love, One River! -Dirtbag Paddler
In my opinion, being a dirtbag paddler is a much nobler pursuit than merely trading my hours for a handful of dimes.

by FartyTheShark January 31, 2016

stringy paddle

n. A Violin.

As used in the Strangers With Candy episode when Jerri Blank (played by Amy Sedaris) becomes a violin prodigy.

Jerri (Amy Sedaris) discovers she has a previously unknown talent in this episode of the off-color Comedy Central series. Kicked out of the Flatpoint High orchestra by Mr. Jellineck (Paul Dinello) for pounding on the timpani and refusing to follow directions, a distressed Jerri remains behind after class and begins experimenting with the various instruments. Eavesdropping on the horrible sounds coming from the orchestra room, Mr. Noblot (Stephen Colbert) is stunned when Jerri picks up the violin and starts playing beautifully. Soon taking her under his wing and forcing her to practice tirelessly, Mr. Noblot isolates Jerri from her friends and peers in order to vicariously experience the success that eluded him as a child. Distressed by the scratches on Jerri's hands from attempting to groom the family cat, Mr. Noblot brings Jerri to live with him so that she may focus entirely on her practicing. With Mr. Noblot's newfound obsession driving a wedge between him and Mr. Jellineck, and the disapproval of Jerri's father adding to the negative impact that practicing has had on her social life, Jerri decides to give up the "stringy paddle" (her name for the violin) the very night of the Tri-County Music Championship. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

by smudgetool September 17, 2008

paddle the stink canoe

Basically the same as paddling the pink canoe, except this would be an exceptionally stinky one. The aroma may be reminiscent of rotting fish or salami.

Gosh, every time Doris comes back from the rest room, it smells like stink-finger. I think she goes there to paddle the stink canoe a lot.

by Running out of patience February 1, 2008

praddlehead

Someone who is a moronic prat beyond all forms of help

You are a complete praddlehead

by Demigod Daisy August 3, 2017