Definitions by QuacksO
squandromat
A greedy-casino-type public clothes-washing establishment where the coin-operated machines are all "rigged in The House's favor" --- the bill-changer mis-feeds/jams/malfunctions frequently and thus does not always dispense "equal" change, the detergent-dispensers contain nearly-empty boxes of soap-powder, the washers' coin-counters merely "swallow" or "ignore" any extra change if you accidentally put in too much, the super-costly "double-loader" and "triple-loader" washers are not actually large enough to accommodate two or three times the laundry of a regular single-load machine, the washers run for a ridiculously short time, the driers are set at too low a temperature and/or spin too slowly to dry your clothes so quickly/thoroughly as they should for the run-time you paid for, all of the machines' timers "advance" or "count down" slightly too rapidly and thus do not actually provide all of the stated run-time, etc. --- and so people hafta squander small fortunes there just to wash their clothes.
I would much prefer to just pay my elderly neighbors a few bucks occasionally to let me wash my laundry in their machine --- and then hang it out myself on my clotheslines to let the sun dry it for free --- rather than paying a fortune at the local squandromats.
squandromat by QuacksO July 10, 2018
"Dude" translations
What each of da five super-cool "non-verbose" twenty-somethings in da iconic "five full super-size cups of coffee and approaching a railroad track" Ford Focus commercial was meaning by their each just saying the word "Dude" once.
"Dude" translations (zheesh --- just one single word can speak volumes, eh???):
First "Dude": "Be a schuper schweet pal and hold my coffee for me so that I can drive."
Second "Dude": "Ummmm... there's a railroads track comin' up --- I think you'll want to slow down so that we don't all get coffee-showers...?"
Third "Dude": "There's a RAILROAD TRACK coming up --- remember that ya gots FOUR OTHERS in da car here b'sides yerself who would greatly prefer not to have coffee-soaked work-outfits, thank you very much!"
Fourth "Dude": "We all have these humongous brim-full cups of joe back here --- there is nothing we can do to avoid spilling them all over your nice new seats if we hit a bump too hard!"
Fifth "Dude": "Don't say we didn't warn ya --- unavoidable brown-liquid tidal-waves impending!"
Driver's slightly-irritated "Dudes": "Honestly, friends --- doncha think that I as da driver know what I'm doing?! Chill out, people --- it's cool --- we're ALL cool! We're five of da coolest 'dudes' on da road right now!"
Final triumphant "Duuudesss!": "Wow --- you were right --- we DIDN'T hafta worry! Never spilled a drop --- amazing! --- here we were all gettin' majorly spazzed out fer nuthin'!" :D
First "Dude": "Be a schuper schweet pal and hold my coffee for me so that I can drive."
Second "Dude": "Ummmm... there's a railroads track comin' up --- I think you'll want to slow down so that we don't all get coffee-showers...?"
Third "Dude": "There's a RAILROAD TRACK coming up --- remember that ya gots FOUR OTHERS in da car here b'sides yerself who would greatly prefer not to have coffee-soaked work-outfits, thank you very much!"
Fourth "Dude": "We all have these humongous brim-full cups of joe back here --- there is nothing we can do to avoid spilling them all over your nice new seats if we hit a bump too hard!"
Fifth "Dude": "Don't say we didn't warn ya --- unavoidable brown-liquid tidal-waves impending!"
Driver's slightly-irritated "Dudes": "Honestly, friends --- doncha think that I as da driver know what I'm doing?! Chill out, people --- it's cool --- we're ALL cool! We're five of da coolest 'dudes' on da road right now!"
Final triumphant "Duuudesss!": "Wow --- you were right --- we DIDN'T hafta worry! Never spilled a drop --- amazing! --- here we were all gettin' majorly spazzed out fer nuthin'!" :D
"Dude" translations by QuacksO July 10, 2018
barker-brigade
Refers to the infuriating/humiliating "auditory chain-reaction" that often occurs with all da neighborhood dogs... you merely walk by one house with a dog tethered out front, and he starts barking at you, then the dogs next door --- even if they're locked inside the house --- hear him and start yappin', too, and then the hound at the property next to that one starts howling, and so on and so on and so on... pretty soon all da canines within a half-mile radius are barkin' fit to bust, when whatever the first dog was barking at isn't even anywhere near those other dogs' vicinity.
I try to scavenge for returnables only during the mid-to-late daylight hours, so that the resulting barker-brigade in the roadside homes will create a minimum of "the dogs woke me up!" aggravation.
barker-brigade by QuacksO July 9, 2018
toe-temptation
Where a cutie-chick sheds her flip-flops and wigglingly extends her pretty toes out towards a passing mushy-hearted guy whom she knows has a major foot-fetish, prompting him to immediately postpone whatever task/errand he was engaged in and hurry over to savoringly cradle and massage her feet for half an hour.
Offering a toe-temptation to nice dude is an excellent way to get him to practically worship you and perform lots of little favors/errands for you; extra points if you also happen to be double-jointed, since this will allow him to gleefully flex your toes back at a right-angle, which is what a guy with a foot-fetish most loves to do... just present him wif yer slender tootsies every time you see him, and you'll have him totally eatin' outta yer hand before you know it.
toe-temptation by QuacksO July 9, 2018
lick before you lap
The doggie-variation of da famous "scope wid yer peepuhz before you jump in wid both feet" proverb, this advises all furry canines to carefully sniff/taste something for true safety/edibility before guzzling it down.
Fido with soap-bubbles fizzing out his nostrils Gee whillikerz --- I shoulda followed my mama's advice to "lick before you lap" --- I shoulda known that bucket was fulla used dishwater before I greedily stuck my thirsty snout into it!
lick before you lap by QuacksO July 9, 2018
yard-yo
The slightly-disgusted/irritated verbal "I'm over here" (Goobah-brain/Numb-nutz optional) attention-getter that you call to a seemingly-tunnel-visioned visitor who has obliviously walked right past you on his way to knock on the front door of your house, never noticing that you were sortin' fasteners or paintin' up buoys in da tool-shed less than twenty feet away.
You'll find out when we get there
A child/teenager's most dreaded words to hear when travelling in the car driven by an irate/irritated parent or other authority-figure, and having asked either "Where are we going?" or "What are you going to do?" This hotly-uttered reply indicates that the adult is either feeling guilt-ridden about the fairness/appropriateness of whatever horrid/torturous action(s) are scheduled for the trembling youngster, or else he does not wish to debate/argue about whatever is in store for said wretched passenger, and so he does not want to reveal the details until the last minute.
When a parent/grownup snaps, "You'll find out when we get there!", usually it means one of four things:
(1) You'll be sent to either a doctor for painful/invasive "treatment", or suffer a long/boring lecture with one or more emotionless preachy counselors who don't seem to truly listen or even care about you personally.
(2) You'll be forced to perform one or more difficult/unpleasant/exhausting tasks.
(3) You'll be compelled to spend hours with one or more fellow humans who are of exceedingly undesirable-to-you nature, and/or who will be super-strict with you, feed you insipid/minuscule meals, forbid/severely limit fun activities, etc.
(4) You'll be subjected to horrendous punishment/discipline of some sort. Keep in mind, however, that physical punishment has been outlawed in many areas and is now widely frowned upon, so hopefully you will not actually get beaten, slapped, or otherwise physically traumatized. You may, however, be made to publicly apologize to a lot of people, stand for hours on a street-corner with a huge "I like to ___ whatever misbehavior you're accused of" sign, etc. Be sure to keep notes, take photos/video, and/or otherwise document all events as they occur, however; not only will this make your tormentors reluctant to incriminate themselves by "going too far" in their harshness, but it will also give you proof to file formal complaints with appropriate authorities afterwards if you feel that your treatment was undeserved/illegal/excessive.
(1) You'll be sent to either a doctor for painful/invasive "treatment", or suffer a long/boring lecture with one or more emotionless preachy counselors who don't seem to truly listen or even care about you personally.
(2) You'll be forced to perform one or more difficult/unpleasant/exhausting tasks.
(3) You'll be compelled to spend hours with one or more fellow humans who are of exceedingly undesirable-to-you nature, and/or who will be super-strict with you, feed you insipid/minuscule meals, forbid/severely limit fun activities, etc.
(4) You'll be subjected to horrendous punishment/discipline of some sort. Keep in mind, however, that physical punishment has been outlawed in many areas and is now widely frowned upon, so hopefully you will not actually get beaten, slapped, or otherwise physically traumatized. You may, however, be made to publicly apologize to a lot of people, stand for hours on a street-corner with a huge "I like to ___ whatever misbehavior you're accused of" sign, etc. Be sure to keep notes, take photos/video, and/or otherwise document all events as they occur, however; not only will this make your tormentors reluctant to incriminate themselves by "going too far" in their harshness, but it will also give you proof to file formal complaints with appropriate authorities afterwards if you feel that your treatment was undeserved/illegal/excessive.
You'll find out when we get there by QuacksO July 9, 2018