A town on the south coast of England
that is slowly succumbing to a tide of destitution and urban decay, which is unsual for a town of Bognor's size and location.
Visitors can try drinking in the Wetherspoons
before being stabbed, get a celtic band or tribal at the various tattoo parlours, sample processed ham from the discount stores and even try their luck at a bingo hall and job centre.
You can test your local knowledge at a pub quiz on the sea front, where teams of pub employees join in to answer questions about their own pub, and you can witness first hand the summer spectacular of northerners beating up the red coats at Butlins
then fighting with eastern europeans over the stuffed macaque
they won in the Doner meat
There are retail parks featuring Matalan
, Burger King and skulking coal-eyed chavs
who only speak in vowels, and some lovely cashpoints at which to have your card cloned, or ripped from your hands by the feral children of a chain-smoking, morbidly obese Jabba
with a wispy moustache.
You may also find yourself disorientated by a sudden burst of slavic languages from everyone around you, but this is a reflection of Bognor's multicultural diversity of poor white English and poor white Polish.
Bognor became famous for an appearance in the last episode of Wish You Were Here, in which Judith Chalmers
was stalked by a family of Wendigo-people then dismembered and devoured. It was only ever aired on UKTV Gold
: I once won an episode of Catchphrase, and Roy Walker
gave me the choice of Bognor Regis
, which was still glowing at the time.Christopher Timothy
: I assume you went with Bognor?
Geoffrey Palmer: Only after I was absolutely convinced Chernobyl was utterly irradiated and swimming with mutants. As it turned out, Bognor wasn't quite as irradiated, but had a higher mutant count. Swings and roundabouts.