“Awww,” says Panda. “Surely I qualify for pandemic props. I sang Yankee Doodle while scrubbing my hands, I sanitized all the Amazon packages, I traded my handmade cloth mask for a KN95, I swore off the multiplex, I barricaded my door…”
“Yes, Good One,” says Mouse. “You were virtuous. But you only baked bread that one time, and you didn’t master the technique Francaise.”
“Mama always bakes the paratha!” protests Panda. “You know that.”
"Maybe when the next SARS rolls around," says Mouse, "you'll have your opportunity to shine."
“Yes, Good One,” says Mouse. “You were virtuous. But you only baked bread that one time, and you didn’t master the technique Francaise.”
“Mama always bakes the paratha!” protests Panda. “You know that.”
"Maybe when the next SARS rolls around," says Mouse, "you'll have your opportunity to shine."
by Hifalutin! March 06, 2022
Get the pandemic props mug.“Storm delayed takeoff, said LiPo, “so MaryBeth and I had a little public airsport at the new LaGuardia, smeared her flight attendant makeup pretty hard!”
“You know what’s great about the wee hours at Heathrow?” whispers Gemma Bryn in her foxy cockney. “I’ll get to grab you for some airsport while everyone else sleeps.”
“You know what’s great about the wee hours at Heathrow?” whispers Gemma Bryn in her foxy cockney. “I’ll get to grab you for some airsport while everyone else sleeps.”
by Hifalutin! February 03, 2022
Get the Airsport mug.“I actually prefer the spindrone,” Nur confessed to Azalea, wiping the sweat from their brow then sanitizing their glutes. “I have less to answer for when I can’t manage the tap back.”
“Right,” said Azalea, who wasn’t sure she agreed. “And the spindrone doesn’t mind if you switch off Find U Again for Bennie and the Jets?”
“Mr. Garcia,” pipes in the peon from the Club’s front desk. “There’s a new spindrone here to see you about the MWF noon slot. I offered it water but it said hydration would be unnecessary.
“Good!” chortles the club manager, unknotting the noose he had only just constructed for himself out of locker room towels, “Finally an instructor who’s not a drama queen.”
“Right,” said Azalea, who wasn’t sure she agreed. “And the spindrone doesn’t mind if you switch off Find U Again for Bennie and the Jets?”
“Mr. Garcia,” pipes in the peon from the Club’s front desk. “There’s a new spindrone here to see you about the MWF noon slot. I offered it water but it said hydration would be unnecessary.
“Good!” chortles the club manager, unknotting the noose he had only just constructed for himself out of locker room towels, “Finally an instructor who’s not a drama queen.”
by Hifalutin! February 06, 2022
Get the Spindrone mug.Brian took a sip and set his cup down by his chair. He cleared his throat. “Could I get a bit more milk for this?” he queried coffee freak Samantha. “Or some more hot water to dilute it?”
Coffeeshamed again. Then again, Brian was from Tampa.
“They sold me a bag of Komodo Dragon beans by mistake at Starbucks,” fumed Angie, speeding to her home in Appleton Wisconsin. “I wanted Verona! And I’m having the inlaws over for brunch. That stuff is high-fidelity. I know I’ll be coffeeshamed.
Coffeeshamed again. Then again, Brian was from Tampa.
“They sold me a bag of Komodo Dragon beans by mistake at Starbucks,” fumed Angie, speeding to her home in Appleton Wisconsin. “I wanted Verona! And I’m having the inlaws over for brunch. That stuff is high-fidelity. I know I’ll be coffeeshamed.
by Hifalutin! February 21, 2022
Get the Coffeeshamed mug.You know it and they know it, and everyone thinks it's fine, but the closet is still a deep, comfortable place.
Mickey the fauxmosexual, divorced with a grown son, still flies to the Big Apple from Elk Horn four times a year to see the Broadway shows, stay at the 14th Street Y and spend long hours “chatting with my favorite bartenders.” Creams over Mariah and Mendelssohn interchangeably.
“Sissy Oliphant has been known to date men,” I told my bestie quizzically, “but she has moved from pad to pad with the same woman since she graduated from Barnard a decade ago and still throws Ellen theme parties; don’t tell me she’s not a fauxmosexual.”
“Sissy Oliphant has been known to date men,” I told my bestie quizzically, “but she has moved from pad to pad with the same woman since she graduated from Barnard a decade ago and still throws Ellen theme parties; don’t tell me she’s not a fauxmosexual.”
by Hifalutin! February 03, 2022
Get the Fauxmosexual mug.“Welcome,” Panda told Reen, whose watch cap was frosted over with sleet. “Take The Good Chair.” It was mama’s, and lumpy, but had a 'seasonal view' of the Palisades. And mama was out at the live chicken mart.
“I call it!” says Tiger Cub, jumping up and down and further soiling the upholstery with her muddy Vans.
“Get down this minute,” thunders NancyLee. “Grandmaw wouldn’t want you all up in The Good Chair, would she! Now, or you’re gonna get a whupping!”
“I call it!” says Tiger Cub, jumping up and down and further soiling the upholstery with her muddy Vans.
“Get down this minute,” thunders NancyLee. “Grandmaw wouldn’t want you all up in The Good Chair, would she! Now, or you’re gonna get a whupping!”
by Hifalutin! February 18, 2022
Get the The Good Chair mug.“How did you sleep?” said Mom, unloading the dishwasher.
“Oh,” said Abigail. “You know. The no-see’ums as usual.” She didn’t want to flip Mom out so she didn’t elaborate: the overdrawn Visa; Jonny’s tuition; her injured shoulder from where the box fell in the Amazon warehouse. But Mom knew anyway. She always knew. She was Mom after all. She was a bear.
Mike stared at the ceiling--two o’clock a.m., and the no-see'ums were at him again, biting. Why had she left him? He was a good guy. Maybe because he couldn’t treat her as lavishly as she wanted. And anyway, everyone was going to die. Perhaps it was that at the bottom. And there was nothing he could do about it. Was there? God was good, wasn’t he? No, said the no-see'ums, there is no God. And all went dark.
“Oh,” said Abigail. “You know. The no-see’ums as usual.” She didn’t want to flip Mom out so she didn’t elaborate: the overdrawn Visa; Jonny’s tuition; her injured shoulder from where the box fell in the Amazon warehouse. But Mom knew anyway. She always knew. She was Mom after all. She was a bear.
Mike stared at the ceiling--two o’clock a.m., and the no-see'ums were at him again, biting. Why had she left him? He was a good guy. Maybe because he couldn’t treat her as lavishly as she wanted. And anyway, everyone was going to die. Perhaps it was that at the bottom. And there was nothing he could do about it. Was there? God was good, wasn’t he? No, said the no-see'ums, there is no God. And all went dark.
by Hifalutin! February 15, 2022
Get the no-see'ums mug.