Hifalutin!'s definitions
“Old man Fauci himself praised my work on the University lab’s bug squad,” lies Elmore. “It’s a shit job, but toxic wastrel’s got to count the spikes to pay the bills.”
by Hifalutin! February 2, 2022
Get the Toxic wastrel mug.Porch cop said she was bringing over homemade chocolate chippers, but she really wanted to get a look at our entry way.
“GoPuff never sucks,” glowed Brian. “As soon as Irene the porch cop sees the delivery guy drive up, she gives us a jingle to let us know the booze is here.”
“GoPuff never sucks,” glowed Brian. “As soon as Irene the porch cop sees the delivery guy drive up, she gives us a jingle to let us know the booze is here.”
by Hifalutin! January 31, 2022
Get the Porch cop mug.A tough season in which you might need a little extra antiseptic assistance, whether mental or physical.
Ms. Jerri left a top seat at Interpol under a cloud but with her head held high: “It’ll pass,” she writes primly in a personal email. “Nothing but a trifling wetsnap.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
“We’re packing for Armageddon,” BooBoo pronounced as he dumped sand out of his shoe. “Marcy, round up the H2O, SPF30plus, wild-sourced grits, a pair of good tweezers and plenty of first-batch Vitamin D in case we hit a wetsnap. I’ll go hotwire the neighbor’s Volvo.”
by Hifalutin! February 4, 2022
Get the Wetsnap mug.“Why’d you have to invite James, Jr.,” demanded CocoPuff. “The last thing we need is another coldbody on this cruise.”
“Once upon a time, Sag Harbor softball picnics rocked,” grumbled Big Bess. “Then we merged leagues with the fruits, and in come the Amagansett coldbodies.”
“Water after wine,” agreed The Squid.
“Once upon a time, Sag Harbor softball picnics rocked,” grumbled Big Bess. “Then we merged leagues with the fruits, and in come the Amagansett coldbodies.”
“Water after wine,” agreed The Squid.
by Hifalutin! February 3, 2022
Get the Coldbody mug.“I actually prefer the spindrone,” Nur confessed to Azalea, wiping the sweat from their brow then sanitizing their glutes. “I have less to answer for when I can’t manage the tap back.”
“Right,” said Azalea, who wasn’t sure she agreed. “And the spindrone doesn’t mind if you switch off Find U Again for Bennie and the Jets?”
“Mr. Garcia,” pipes in the peon from the Club’s front desk. “There’s a new spindrone here to see you about the MWF noon slot. I offered it water but it said hydration would be unnecessary.
“Good!” chortles the club manager, unknotting the noose he had only just constructed for himself out of locker room towels, “Finally an instructor who’s not a drama queen.”
“Right,” said Azalea, who wasn’t sure she agreed. “And the spindrone doesn’t mind if you switch off Find U Again for Bennie and the Jets?”
“Mr. Garcia,” pipes in the peon from the Club’s front desk. “There’s a new spindrone here to see you about the MWF noon slot. I offered it water but it said hydration would be unnecessary.
“Good!” chortles the club manager, unknotting the noose he had only just constructed for himself out of locker room towels, “Finally an instructor who’s not a drama queen.”
by Hifalutin! February 6, 2022
Get the Spindrone mug.Eliminating the background distractions.
“Denise,” went the text from my boss last Sunday, “when we do the meetup with Amway could you please do a zoom broom on your so-called office -- jettison the vibrators, the pogo stick, the pink silk thingie hanging just on screen. The signed blowup of Bono from ’98 too. We don’t want Chris to think we’re wack. Oh, and could you make sure that snot-nosed Berry doesn’t poke her face in?”
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
“Shithead,” I replied under my breath, “It’s not Zoom, it’s WebEx. It's not Berry, it's Valley. Plus, I only accept texted managerial counsel of under 10 words.”
To prep for the interview (for the job he didn’t even want, but it would pay for tacos) Panda did a quick zoom broom in the study he “shared” with mama, backlighting the Mac and taking down the hanging hooked rug depicting a bald eagle descending upon a Hudson River ice floe. Darn these Zoom gigs, he thought, feeling pretty sure he’d have to shave his soul patch.
by Hifalutin! February 5, 2022
Get the Zoom broom mug.Ursie: I consumed five rather three chocochip cookies every night of the shut-in rather than my usual two — and that was after dessert. But c’est le pudge pandemique! C’est la vie!
Brittini: I grok it totally. I had to move to a 2x at Savage x Fenty—luckily Rocco doesn’t mind a bigger me as long as there’s black lace involved. He says he prefers le pudge pandemique.
“It was just mama and me every night for dinner,” says Panda. “Le pudge pandemique! Crested at 240 pounds.”
Jacko said, “I know, Good One, you’ve raved about her butter chicken, not to mention the naan! I envy your fat rolls. Evelynne and I were scared to step foot in Foodtown, so we ate grape nuts most nights. We’re skeletons.”
Brittini: I grok it totally. I had to move to a 2x at Savage x Fenty—luckily Rocco doesn’t mind a bigger me as long as there’s black lace involved. He says he prefers le pudge pandemique.
“It was just mama and me every night for dinner,” says Panda. “Le pudge pandemique! Crested at 240 pounds.”
Jacko said, “I know, Good One, you’ve raved about her butter chicken, not to mention the naan! I envy your fat rolls. Evelynne and I were scared to step foot in Foodtown, so we ate grape nuts most nights. We’re skeletons.”
by Hifalutin! February 13, 2022
Get the le pudge pandemique mug.