"We think we know the perfect bachelorette gift for solitary Martha," said Penelope, always down with the latest trends. "This dude is a regular jizzmatron. I've already placed the order."
"Covid layoffs left me without a job," said Howie the paralegal. "So I plundered the gig economy for work as a jizzdroid. Pretty sweet all around."
"Covid layoffs left me without a job," said Howie the paralegal. "So I plundered the gig economy for work as a jizzdroid. Pretty sweet all around."
by Hifalutin! January 22, 2022
Get the Jizzmatron mug.Caution from one citizen to another regarding the insufficient protective qualities of cloth masking.
"Pretty masks make you sick!" said Henry as his ladyfriend Wendy came around the corner, showing off her new daisy-printed hand-sewn cotton mask. "N-95s all the way, dude!"
by Hifalutin! January 13, 2022
Get the Pretty masks make you sick! mug.Jumped out of the Town Car and tripped onto the red carpet, bulbs flashing, "Leo! Leo!"--sheeeit, forgot my mask! I'll look like a tool in Star. Third time today. All that primo Jack Herer weed doesn't help.
"We need snow bomb provisions," Tron nagged me. But I had to drive home without the requested t.p., soy milk, Heineken Zero or Gerber peas, and got seriously spanked. Sheeeit, forgot my mask! Again!
"We need snow bomb provisions," Tron nagged me. But I had to drive home without the requested t.p., soy milk, Heineken Zero or Gerber peas, and got seriously spanked. Sheeeit, forgot my mask! Again!
by Hifalutin! February 06, 2022
Get the Sheeeit, forgot my mask! mug.“I was glad I’d done due diligence on the Peloton,” aging Alice grinned as she snugged up her Eileen Fisher trousers. “I wanted the fanny mail I texted The Boss to be taut, and you should have seen that shit.”
“Tracy’s gone over the deep end, gifting fanny mail to all her faves, Drake, Nikky Jam, you name it,” Ike said ruefully. “At least I know the thongs are legit; I ordered smoked lace for her, 3 for 40 bucks from Savage X Fenty, the Valentine’s special.”
“Tracy’s gone over the deep end, gifting fanny mail to all her faves, Drake, Nikky Jam, you name it,” Ike said ruefully. “At least I know the thongs are legit; I ordered smoked lace for her, 3 for 40 bucks from Savage X Fenty, the Valentine’s special.”
by Hifalutin! February 03, 2022
Get the Fanny Mail mug.“Shoot, they’re out of stock,” Desiree told Prima as the pals cruised aisle 8 in CVS. “They told me the Hollywood Breast Lift Tape would be in today!”
Prima offered what comfort she could. “Desiree, Lawson will jump your bones regardless of flop sweat. You don’t need to climb Mount Titerest. Remember how it used to be when you were first hooking up.”
“Right,” Desiree countered smugly, “He loved my big mama foomfy teats.”
“Nipple rouge is a thing, isn’t it?” teenager Sally shyly asked Mother Goose, pulling her away from the other kids at St. Catherine’s Center for Youth. “’Cause Jayden and I have a date for the walk-in later and I just feel… too pale.”
“No worries, hon, we don’t have to scale Mount Titerest,” said Mother Goose. She prided herself on her ability to “relate.” “I have some frozen raspberries I’ve been saving for the right moment. You’ll taste good, too!”
Prima offered what comfort she could. “Desiree, Lawson will jump your bones regardless of flop sweat. You don’t need to climb Mount Titerest. Remember how it used to be when you were first hooking up.”
“Right,” Desiree countered smugly, “He loved my big mama foomfy teats.”
“Nipple rouge is a thing, isn’t it?” teenager Sally shyly asked Mother Goose, pulling her away from the other kids at St. Catherine’s Center for Youth. “’Cause Jayden and I have a date for the walk-in later and I just feel… too pale.”
“No worries, hon, we don’t have to scale Mount Titerest,” said Mother Goose. She prided herself on her ability to “relate.” “I have some frozen raspberries I’ve been saving for the right moment. You’ll taste good, too!”
by Hifalutin! February 05, 2022
Get the Mount Titerest mug.“Love you Want you Need you,” snivels Patrick in his 14th text message of the day.
“It’s this very bleakiness that turns me off,” sniffs Tinsley. “It’s become an endless drag, a plague – he’s a boiled bullfrog and he’s the last to grasp it.”
“A boiled bullfrog!” says heartthrob Benjamin when notified that Arabella refused to accept his bouquet of Equadorian red roses. "First, the Hanky Panky thongs, which I could return, and now this. I never thought I’d see the day when I would play that croaking fool, but Arabella has had me slaving at her feet for months and I will never be free.”
“It’s this very bleakiness that turns me off,” sniffs Tinsley. “It’s become an endless drag, a plague – he’s a boiled bullfrog and he’s the last to grasp it.”
“A boiled bullfrog!” says heartthrob Benjamin when notified that Arabella refused to accept his bouquet of Equadorian red roses. "First, the Hanky Panky thongs, which I could return, and now this. I never thought I’d see the day when I would play that croaking fool, but Arabella has had me slaving at her feet for months and I will never be free.”
by Hifalutin! February 10, 2022
Get the a boiled bullfrog mug.A proud redtail hawk, she came to theJanuary 6 party equipped with a hurtin’ flagpole from her 2nd grade classroom.
“Daddy, is that what you call redtail hawks?” asked little Mimi, pondering MSNBC’s endless loop of veins-in-their-teeth Capitol insurrectionists.
“Daddy, is that what you call redtail hawks?” asked little Mimi, pondering MSNBC’s endless loop of veins-in-their-teeth Capitol insurrectionists.
by Hifalutin! February 01, 2022
Get the Redtail hawk mug.