19 definition by Hammer of Jesus

Top Definition
The Devil's kiss is the heinous action of the tip of one's penis making contact with the cold porcelain of the inside of a public toilet.
I went to take a shit in the strip club bathroom, where I was unpleasantly surprised by the icy cold sensation of the Devil's kiss. Now it burns when I pee. Thanks, Satan.
via giphy
by Hammer of Jesus August 10, 2017

Mug icon
Buy a Devil's kiss mug!
Davy Jones' Gravy is a dark, murky fecal/water combination that is the result of a particularly non-solid bowel movement, obscuring from vision all below it's putrid depths. Commonly found in public restrooms and port-o-potties.
I went to use the outhouse at the construction site, but it was so full that my balls dipped into Davy Jones' Gravy when I sat down.
by Hammer of Jesus February 14, 2017

Mug icon
Buy a Davy Jones' Gravy mug!
A synonym for smegma. Sometimes used specifically to describe dick cheese belonging to a person of hispanic origin.
Armando: Duuuude have you seen how much boner queso Jose has? You could make a quesadilla with that shit.

Carlos: Nah mang, I'm not really into checking out other dudes dick cheese status.
by Hammer of Jesus April 05, 2017

Mug icon
Buy a boner queso mug!
A fartjob is a sexual act in which one particularly flatulent individual fully inserts their partners penis into their rectum. No thrusting is involved in a fartjob, otherwise it it simply farty anal sex. Instead, one remains idle sitting on their partners dick, and stimulates to completion using only the vibration of flatulence.
Chet: So my neighbors had me over for dinner, after I had them for burrito night at my place.

Jörg: You sneaky bastard! I see where this is going.

Chet: Yeah after a few drinks Mrs. Steinwald moved from her husbands lap over to mine and my dick was already out.

Jörg: Nice! Mexican food the night before really seals the deal. Was her husband suspicious?

Chet: Not at all! Once she finished the fartjob, Mr. Steinwald plopped right down on my dick for fartjob round 2!
by Hammer of Jesus October 29, 2018

Mug icon
Buy a fartjob mug!
The act of using one’s penis as a makeshift gavel to strike a surface. One must loudly exclaim “ORDER IN THE COURT” as they strike said surface.
“Order in the court!” Bill shouted.

Bill brought so much order to Steve’s court that Steve was knocked unconscious.
by Hammer of Jesus January 29, 2019

Mug icon
Buy a Order in the court mug!
A food item containing all of the same ingredients as a chicken pot pie, but chicken is replaced with penis.
Bill: My wife made the most delicious penis pot pie last night!

Ted: Wait...You ate penis for dinner?

Bill: It's totally normal! You should try some!

Ted: I think I'll pass. You and your wife should get some help.
by Hammer of Jesus October 06, 2013

Mug icon
Buy a penis pot pie mug!
The act of placing ones cellular device onto their genitalia, followed by a person sending repeated text messages, until the recipient of the textjob reaches sexual climax. Has been known to cause damage to cell phones when performed carelessly.
Jim: Man, Dave was really pissed after I banged his wife. He wouldn't stop texting me, so I threw my phone in my pocket and he gave me a textjob!

Todd: Nice dude! Now Dave and his wife have made you bust a nut!
by Hammer of Jesus June 28, 2017

Mug icon
Buy a textjob mug!