Dusty's Baby Powder's definitions
A hard, intense workout created by SFC Roger "Stainy" Staneglass, chaplain of Camp Swampy army base in North Carolina. He created this to help him stay in shape between church sermons. All his other solider friends often join him in this.
Stainy: Uh oh, its 0500. I better do my Stainyrobics. (starts stretching himself) Sweet Mary, its a great day!
Orville: (seeing Stainy) Hey Stainy, what are you doing? Is that some sort of weird church workout?
Stainy: No, its just my Stainyrobics. This is kinda crazy, but I love it. Why don't you join me?
Orville: Sure! (starts doing jumping jacks trying to warm himself up)
Amos: (sees Stainy and Orville exercising) Wow! They're doing PT and they didn't invite me! Well, they're gonna get it now. (screaming) TEN HUT! At ease. Can I join you guys?
Stainy: Sure! Here, try pumping this a few times. (he hands Amos a big wooden cross) Just make believe you're Jesus trying to carry it, only its too heavy.
Amos: Whoah! My biceps are burning. I bet Martha would have a freak-out if she saw us doing this! What a Mother's Day present, I'll go home with some burning Brigadier biceps!!
Orville: (seeing Stainy) Hey Stainy, what are you doing? Is that some sort of weird church workout?
Stainy: No, its just my Stainyrobics. This is kinda crazy, but I love it. Why don't you join me?
Orville: Sure! (starts doing jumping jacks trying to warm himself up)
Amos: (sees Stainy and Orville exercising) Wow! They're doing PT and they didn't invite me! Well, they're gonna get it now. (screaming) TEN HUT! At ease. Can I join you guys?
Stainy: Sure! Here, try pumping this a few times. (he hands Amos a big wooden cross) Just make believe you're Jesus trying to carry it, only its too heavy.
Amos: Whoah! My biceps are burning. I bet Martha would have a freak-out if she saw us doing this! What a Mother's Day present, I'll go home with some burning Brigadier biceps!!
by Dusty's Baby Powder June 2, 2011
Get the Stainyrobicsmug. An intensely relaxing massage given by Ed Crankshaft to his family and friends. When he does it, they sigh in relief. Most notably given when one of his family or friends is stiff or tired at the end of the day. An Ed Massage is very soothing. It often includes the sea foam green lotion known as Edward Ocean. If you want something that won't take a lot of time, don't head for a massage parlor - try an Ed Massage. And remember, Ed Crankshaft sent you!
Pickles: Hey Ed, I'm so sore. Chasing Homer around the garden really took a lot out of me. Its rough being a cat.
Ed: Well, that's no problem. How about an Ed Massage? (he takes a spoonful of the Edward Ocean) Here's comes the massage plane into the hangar! Zoom! (he starts Pickles' fur)
Pam: Oh no, I've been walking all day. Did I see you giving Pickles an Ed Massage? I need one too!
Ed: Okay, easy, easy now. This is going to be good. This is sweet. (he starts rubbing Pam's feet) You poor little chick. Daddy knows what to do.
Ed: (while sitting in front of the bonfire he feels a twinge in his back) Oh no, now I need an Ed Massage. Give me that Edward Ocean, would ya? (he rubs some onto his back) There! That's better. That felt good.
Pam: Do you want me to do all over? I mean, not just your feet, but whole body? I can do that if you want me to.
Ed: Sweet! My whole body feels rough. I haven't had an Ed Massage in days. I just need to warm up is all. Ed Massages rock! One of the best ways to relax after a hard day.
Pickles: Right on! Even an old mudcat like me would love an Ed Massage every now and then. High paw! (Pickles high fives Ed, scratching his hand) Ed Massage forever!
Ed: Well, that's no problem. How about an Ed Massage? (he takes a spoonful of the Edward Ocean) Here's comes the massage plane into the hangar! Zoom! (he starts Pickles' fur)
Pam: Oh no, I've been walking all day. Did I see you giving Pickles an Ed Massage? I need one too!
Ed: Okay, easy, easy now. This is going to be good. This is sweet. (he starts rubbing Pam's feet) You poor little chick. Daddy knows what to do.
Ed: (while sitting in front of the bonfire he feels a twinge in his back) Oh no, now I need an Ed Massage. Give me that Edward Ocean, would ya? (he rubs some onto his back) There! That's better. That felt good.
Pam: Do you want me to do all over? I mean, not just your feet, but whole body? I can do that if you want me to.
Ed: Sweet! My whole body feels rough. I haven't had an Ed Massage in days. I just need to warm up is all. Ed Massages rock! One of the best ways to relax after a hard day.
Pickles: Right on! Even an old mudcat like me would love an Ed Massage every now and then. High paw! (Pickles high fives Ed, scratching his hand) Ed Massage forever!
by Dusty's Baby Powder October 26, 2011
Get the Ed Massagemug. A handshake used by Marine Corps soldiers. First invented by Gunnery Sergeant Beatrice Middleton in 1945. Done this way: first, slapping a high five; sliding the hand lower and giving a slightly lower five; closing of fist and tucking the thumb in; then bumping them while saying "Eagle, globe, and anchor"; then as the hand is pulled and shaken and "Away we go!" is said. Also, when the fives are given, "Up high" and "down low" are said as well.
Amos: Hey Sarge, there's a party down in the defac.
Orville: (confused, not knowing what Amos is saying) This crazy thing. What's this hand thing they're doing? Are they trying to show off?
Beatrice: No, it's the Gunny Five. I invented this. Let me show you how.
(Beatrice gives the Gunny Five to Amos. Amos passes the Gunny Five to Orville)
Beatrice: You do it that way, it's easy!
Martha: These men are going crazy. What's with all these fives? I want to learn how.
Beatrice: (demonstrating to Martha) Up high, down low, eagle, globe, and anchor, and away we go!
Martha: (yelling) That's funky. I'm going to have to teach all the soldiers that.
(Orville and Amos wink at each other then look at Martha and give the Gunny Five to Martha)
Orville: (confused, not knowing what Amos is saying) This crazy thing. What's this hand thing they're doing? Are they trying to show off?
Beatrice: No, it's the Gunny Five. I invented this. Let me show you how.
(Beatrice gives the Gunny Five to Amos. Amos passes the Gunny Five to Orville)
Beatrice: You do it that way, it's easy!
Martha: These men are going crazy. What's with all these fives? I want to learn how.
Beatrice: (demonstrating to Martha) Up high, down low, eagle, globe, and anchor, and away we go!
Martha: (yelling) That's funky. I'm going to have to teach all the soldiers that.
(Orville and Amos wink at each other then look at Martha and give the Gunny Five to Martha)
by Dusty's Baby Powder March 18, 2011
Get the Gunny Fivemug. An exercise program invented by Ed Crankshaft, done by him when played for the Toledo Mudhens. Of course it includes the Mudhen Bend, but it also includes other things. It is performed on a therapy ball and can be done anywhere.
Lena: Ed, I'm all worked up. I''m stiff. This bowling ball feels like lead.
Ed: (starts laughing at her) Well, have no fear, Ed Crankshaft is here. I know how to fix it! Try my Ed Stretches. They'll help.
Lena: Come on, medicine ball therapy. What are you talking about, Edward?
Ed: (looking at her stern) Lena Alice Johnson! Trust me, this always worked for me and it will work for you, too. Just try it.
Lena: Well, if it will help me bowl, sure, I'll try it.
(Ed and Lena start stretching on the ball)
Lena: Wow! You were right. Ed Stretches really work.
Ed: (laughing again) Lena, I told you they would. That's ball's gonna go down that lane like a hot knife through bacon!
Ed: (starts laughing at her) Well, have no fear, Ed Crankshaft is here. I know how to fix it! Try my Ed Stretches. They'll help.
Lena: Come on, medicine ball therapy. What are you talking about, Edward?
Ed: (looking at her stern) Lena Alice Johnson! Trust me, this always worked for me and it will work for you, too. Just try it.
Lena: Well, if it will help me bowl, sure, I'll try it.
(Ed and Lena start stretching on the ball)
Lena: Wow! You were right. Ed Stretches really work.
Ed: (laughing again) Lena, I told you they would. That's ball's gonna go down that lane like a hot knife through bacon!
by Dusty's Baby Powder April 7, 2011
Get the Ed Stretchesmug. A judo throw similar to the Horsey Hug done much the same way, e.g. wrapping the hands around the person's neck so you're hugging them. Then throwing the legs into the hug so the whole body is involved. This version of the throw was introduced by Mabel Motley, a character in a comic strip called "Motley's Crew" which no longer exists, 1976-2000. She has been known to use it on her husband, Mike.
Mabel: Whoah! I haven't done my judo in so long. I bet its time for a Motley Mash. (yelling for Mike) Mike, come here!
Mike: Hey! You're doing the Motley Mash, I see. Come on and give me a squeeze. (he hugs her with his legs)
Mabel: Wait, you didn't get your hands in there. Its not a Motley Mash yet. (she throws him) There!
Jim: Hey, I know judo. Can I play, too? (he picks Mabel up and throws her)
Mabel: Whoah, what a crush! You just gave me a Motley Mash. What belt are you at?
Jim: (laughing) 3rd kyu brown. I've been studying this for years. I do it on the Misses all the time. Man, me and wife Iris, we toss each other around like a rag doll. (yelling) Rear naked choke! (he throws Mike on the ground and does a rear naked choke)
Mabel: (screaming) This is one big judo bash, and it all started from the Motley Mash!
Mike: Hey! You're doing the Motley Mash, I see. Come on and give me a squeeze. (he hugs her with his legs)
Mabel: Wait, you didn't get your hands in there. Its not a Motley Mash yet. (she throws him) There!
Jim: Hey, I know judo. Can I play, too? (he picks Mabel up and throws her)
Mabel: Whoah, what a crush! You just gave me a Motley Mash. What belt are you at?
Jim: (laughing) 3rd kyu brown. I've been studying this for years. I do it on the Misses all the time. Man, me and wife Iris, we toss each other around like a rag doll. (yelling) Rear naked choke! (he throws Mike on the ground and does a rear naked choke)
Mabel: (screaming) This is one big judo bash, and it all started from the Motley Mash!
by Dusty's Baby Powder August 25, 2011
Get the Motley Mashmug. A circuit training program which combines exercise with massage. This was created by Major Martha Halftrack, US Army (Ret.). Usually done in the mornings before her husband, Amos, gets up. It is very comforting. So, if you want comfort without a barrage, go to Camp Swampy and get a Marty Massage.
Marty: Hey Bryant, you look tired, honey. What can I do to wake you up? (Suddenly snaps her hand) I know, how about a Marty Massage? You love those!
Bryant: Okay, how about five minutes of massage, then we run down to the DFAC and back again, and then another massage? (Jumps up and takes off running)
Marty: Whoah! Hold up! We haven't even done the warm up stretches, yet. Remember, you can't do PT cold body. You'd rip a muscle, sweetie pie.
Amos: What are you two doing? Oh, the Marty Massage? I love that! Can I do it, too?
Bryant: Sure! Drop and give me one-fifty! (Blows the whistle) Ten HUT!
Marty: Good God! One hundred and fifty push ups? That's a lot of push ups. That's my honeybear, don't burn him up!
Bryant: I'm not. (They all start running for the DFAC) I'm hungry. All this exercise made me want to eat.
Amos: Whoah! Me too! I gotta eat. Then, after we eat, we can burn off more goo. Good thing she knows what she's talking about.
Marty: Well, would any of you like a massage? Its not just exercise, its massage too! The Marty Massage is awesome!
Bryant: Okay, how about five minutes of massage, then we run down to the DFAC and back again, and then another massage? (Jumps up and takes off running)
Marty: Whoah! Hold up! We haven't even done the warm up stretches, yet. Remember, you can't do PT cold body. You'd rip a muscle, sweetie pie.
Amos: What are you two doing? Oh, the Marty Massage? I love that! Can I do it, too?
Bryant: Sure! Drop and give me one-fifty! (Blows the whistle) Ten HUT!
Marty: Good God! One hundred and fifty push ups? That's a lot of push ups. That's my honeybear, don't burn him up!
Bryant: I'm not. (They all start running for the DFAC) I'm hungry. All this exercise made me want to eat.
Amos: Whoah! Me too! I gotta eat. Then, after we eat, we can burn off more goo. Good thing she knows what she's talking about.
Marty: Well, would any of you like a massage? Its not just exercise, its massage too! The Marty Massage is awesome!
by Dusty's Baby Powder August 1, 2011
Get the Marty Massagemug. A funeral held for dead flowers. Usually in a flowerbed side service honoring the sweetness and beauty of the dead flowers. Usually held after cutting or throwing away the dead flowers. Is also often held in a church. The only known Flower Funeral happened on November 18, 2011 when Ed Crankshaft, his daughter Pam Murdoch, and her husband Jeff were attending the funeral of a close friend. A Flower Funeral is not sad. In fact, it is very calming. So, if you want beautiful flowers for all time, hold a Flower Funeral for the ones you lost. Its a sweet thing to do.
Ed: Oh no, all my flower died. How am I going to remember them?
Pam: Why not have a Flower Funeral for them? We could crush them up and bury them.
Jeff: Sure! Lets go to Camp Swampy. I bet Stainy Stainglass would officiate.
Ed: Sure, a Flower Funeral would be nice because I love my garden! Sweet.
Stainy: Yes, I'll help! (he starts praying over the flowers) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in memory of these beautiful flowers. May they always live in Heaven in beauty. (he makes the cross sign)
Ed: (bursts out crying) Poor flowers. I don't know what to do.
Stainy: Easy, I know you're stressed. But I got the Mary Mud right here. (he starts massaging Ed with the Mary Mud) Remember how good that felt? Its a nice way to end a Flower Funeral.
Jeff: (jumping up and down crying) I need some of that, too. Can I have some?
Stainy: Sure! This is the most important part of a Flower Funeral. You need flowers to stop stressing over flowers. Remember, flowers have power!
Pam: Sure. Its easy. Just remember its a trial but Flower Funerals make you smile! (she kisses Stainy and he rubs her with the Mary Mud)
Pam: Why not have a Flower Funeral for them? We could crush them up and bury them.
Jeff: Sure! Lets go to Camp Swampy. I bet Stainy Stainglass would officiate.
Ed: Sure, a Flower Funeral would be nice because I love my garden! Sweet.
Stainy: Yes, I'll help! (he starts praying over the flowers) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in memory of these beautiful flowers. May they always live in Heaven in beauty. (he makes the cross sign)
Ed: (bursts out crying) Poor flowers. I don't know what to do.
Stainy: Easy, I know you're stressed. But I got the Mary Mud right here. (he starts massaging Ed with the Mary Mud) Remember how good that felt? Its a nice way to end a Flower Funeral.
Jeff: (jumping up and down crying) I need some of that, too. Can I have some?
Stainy: Sure! This is the most important part of a Flower Funeral. You need flowers to stop stressing over flowers. Remember, flowers have power!
Pam: Sure. Its easy. Just remember its a trial but Flower Funerals make you smile! (she kisses Stainy and he rubs her with the Mary Mud)
by Dusty's Baby Powder November 23, 2011
Get the Flower Funeralmug.