the vextro

The Vextro is a mythical German sex move so bizarre it supposedly makes both partners forget their own names; it starts with the “Vextro Prime” lying naked in a glass canoe filled with whipped cream while the “Counter-Thrust” stands on a wobbly step ladder wearing a gas mask and humming Beethoven’s 5th; Prime is spun in the canoe by three naked men in lederhosen until they reach exactly 43 RPM, at which point Counter-Thrust cannonballs in, locking thighs with Prime to create a “meat gyroscope” that generates enough friction to set nearby houseplants on fire; mid-spin, a trained pigeon wearing lingerie swoops down to drop a cherry into Prime’s mouth, which must be swallowed without chewing or the Vextro “fails” and both must start over; the move ends when the canoe tips, dumping both into a pit of lukewarm jelly where a disoriented referee in clown makeup declares a winner based on “style points”, survivors report dizziness, speaking only in rhymes for 48 hours, and an unshakable fear of whipped cream, this can result to death.

john: no one can survive this move, not even the man who invented it.

jayden: i’ll do this watch me.

8 weeks later, jayden was found dead with his jaw and legs missing which is completely unrelated to the vextro

by pzmy August 11, 2025