Kung Pao Burrito

Kung Pao Burrito is a deviously ingenious plot device consisting of a fusion of two foods already legendary in their own right, meant to expose our greatest weakness: Gluttony. It demonstrates that we are not as strong as we think we are by showing that we are forever a slave to food, beholden to our insatiable gastronomic impulses, and unable to resist the latest creative epicurean craze -- from teriyaki burger to barbeque chicken pizza. It was created for foodies trying to keep our diet and runaway wasteline in check as we tell ourselves "no more caving to the latest inventive culinary fantasy" -- no more bulgogi taco, bacon-wrapped waffle, ramen burger, stuffed crust pizza, ice cream cake, and on and on, endlessly. When does it stop? So we have to be stronger and just put it out of our minds to free ourselves from this obscene perpetual bondage. We've been there, done that, and we're over it. We're buckling down now and getting serious about eating right and losing this belly fat. But the Matrix knows us better than we know ourselves, and just when we think we're free of this vice, the Sim programs in a pop-up for the latest thing it knows we won't be able to pass up: Dorito-shell taco, Snickers Blizzard, Nathans Coney Island bagel dog, Cinnabon cereal, peanut butter and jelly popcorn -- and mark my words: the soon-to-be Kung Pao burrito. It's coming. Will we be able to resist?

I'm on hour 36 into my fast and the Matrix tried to kung pao burrito me with a pop-up ad for a new fusion restaurant.

I was in the store the other day and saw a new flavor of ice cream that looked really interesting. I was about to buy it on a whim but stopped myself when I realized I was being kung pao burritoed by the Matrix.

Their new ad campaign is just one big kung pao burrito. They think they can get you to bite just by mashing up anything together.

Kung Pao Burrito by TheGideonLion September 1, 2026