The common red-necked Jeeter can be found sporting a worn agricultural product or automotive sports
cap at a roadhouse bar, where a chain-link fence shields the questionable
talent from bottle hurling locals. (the hat's foam printed front is a requirement, mesh back is optional).
The Jeeter is usually scruffy, with at least a four-day beard and often twice as much growth sprouting from nostrils and ears. Skinny and with darting eyes, the Jeeter emerges from his dented and
jacked-up Ford F-150, 85 Camaro or un-muffled Station Wagon, sun baked to perfection with fresh nicotine tarnish accenting his moustache and fingers. Look for the scraggly salt-and-pepper
hair jutting out from beneath his cap on Northern Jeeters, and for Southern Jeeters, a longer
mullet will often be present. The vocal laugh of the common Jeeter sounds
like a
bass note coming from a bleached dashboard speaker that has torn from its rim. Teeth are, of course, optional.
Another
mark of distinction is a nearly empty chain-to-belt wallet, and fingernails that look
like the contain a 1/4 pound of driveway sealant.
When seen entering a strip joint, the Jeeter wallet contains a surprising amount ot greasy, wrinkled $1 bills.
Diverse examples of this
sub-species can be found from Northern Maine to
Florida, and westward to all suburbs and rural areas where major appliances and assorted dirt bike parts frequently adorn oil-soaked driveways, front lots and crowded porches.
Despite their unlikely candidacy as mates, Jeeters produce many offspring, and their broods are often found crowding around the tasting griddle at Costco, screaming in a MacDonald's bathroom or parking lot, or stealing Slim Jims at the 7-11.
Common names for the males are:
Dwayne, Jimbo, Darell, Earl, Bud,
Jesse or Slim.
Common names for the females are:
Crystal, Kimmy, Darryl, Clarice, Janice or Ronnie.
For some reason, almost all the eldest offspring have the same name, "DoItNOW
Shithead", and the younger offspring are usually called, "You Too!".
