Bald Alert
Noun
1. A localized emergency notification issued when an elderly bald man is spotted wandering within a one-mile radius of a medical facility, usually post-colonoscopy, squinting through crooked glasses and moving at a cautious, arthritic shuffle.
2. A hyper-specific Silver Alert for a founding member of a friend group who refuses to admit his knees sound like microwave popcorn and who insists he “just needs better lighting” before every pinball game.
Symptoms may include:
• Slow, determined walk back to a parked vehicle because “it’s not that far.”
• Adjusting glasses 47 times per minute.
• Muttering about flipper lag while standing under the brightest light in the building.
• Claiming recovery is “no big deal” while gripping the handrail like it owes him money.
1. A localized emergency notification issued when an elderly bald man is spotted wandering within a one-mile radius of a medical facility, usually post-colonoscopy, squinting through crooked glasses and moving at a cautious, arthritic shuffle.
2. A hyper-specific Silver Alert for a founding member of a friend group who refuses to admit his knees sound like microwave popcorn and who insists he “just needs better lighting” before every pinball game.
Symptoms may include:
• Slow, determined walk back to a parked vehicle because “it’s not that far.”
• Adjusting glasses 47 times per minute.
• Muttering about flipper lag while standing under the brightest light in the building.
• Claiming recovery is “no big deal” while gripping the handrail like it owes him money.
“Greg just had a colonoscopy and is walking home with those bad knees. Somebody issue a Bald Alert before he tries to read street signs in the dark.”
Bald Alert by GuidoDaPimp February 24, 2026
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