The most scientific scale known to man for rating the desired mouth-to-phallus ratio during the practice of
oral sex. On
one end of the spectrum, we have Bernadette Peters with a diminutive mouth. We'll assign her oral cavity a value of .
99 carollas (
unit of measurement named after Adam Carolla, a pioneer in the field of Phallometry, whose Water-Displacement Method is now the standard throughout the Penile Sciences). Multiplying this value by the average human penis size (100 carollas) yields a Carolla Psychological Satisfaction (or C.
P.
S.) score of
99 aces (as in, "That'
s just aces!"). On the other end of the spectrum, we have the less desirable orifice of Sandra Bernhard measuring .01 carollas. Once again, multiplying this value by 100 yields a score of 1 ace. This indicates that the experience of inserting the male member into Bernhard'
s mammoth mouth for the purpose of fellatio, while perhaps physically pleasurable, is overshadowed by the
pride-shattering effects.
Monica Lewinsky:
Hey,
Bill, you want a BJ?
President Clinton: (covers mouthpiece of the phone he'
s holding) Monica, I'm on the phone with a Congressman. Sorry about that sir. (inaudible chatter from phone) Yeah, just some intern I'm banging. About a 7. But you should see the mouth on her. (more inaudible chatter) What'
s the Bernadette-Bernhard scale? (more chatter) Adam who? Oh, I love Birchum.
Monica Lewinsky:
Bill, I'm wearing that blue dress you like.
President Clinton: Congressman, I've gotta go. But you've sure given me something to think about. Maybe I'll just
work her over with a cigar.
Morgan Freeman Narrator: But he didn't. Well he did. But he also got oral. Completely rejecting the principles of the Bernadette-Bernhard scale. Two things were lost that day: America'
s innocence, and the confidence of the
pretty well-endowed Leader of the Free
World. It just goes to show you, some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are too bright. But in such a massive cage, who can see a
bird anyway? Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate, get it on.
