magickdio's definitions
1) A person who is selfish and behaves like an idiot
2) A person who is greedy with their masturbatory habits. A selfish wanker will steal a communal porn collection, steal the only box of tissues remaining in the house, even steal a picture of your own dear mother to wank over. They care nothing for the feelings or masturbation plans of others. They will even turn up late to meetings and dates because of their five knuckle shuffling, but will never ever call and explain the delay. Wanking will always come first to these people. A truly selfish wanker will even prefer the touch of their own hairy palm to the touch of another human being.
2) A person who is greedy with their masturbatory habits. A selfish wanker will steal a communal porn collection, steal the only box of tissues remaining in the house, even steal a picture of your own dear mother to wank over. They care nothing for the feelings or masturbation plans of others. They will even turn up late to meetings and dates because of their five knuckle shuffling, but will never ever call and explain the delay. Wanking will always come first to these people. A truly selfish wanker will even prefer the touch of their own hairy palm to the touch of another human being.
Steven is a selfish wanker. He sent his girlfriend out to the strip club with his mates so that he could stay in and abuse himself alone.
by MagickDio September 4, 2010
Get the Selfish Wanker mug.Either the most infuriating or the most outstanding oral sex technique. A slow job is a blow job at quarter speed. If you've got a guy with his hands restrained, a slow job might just be the most fantastic genital to mouth contact he's ever had. We'll call this Scenario A. Taunting, teasing, with plenty of eye contact. That guy will be completely under the spell of the sexual partner for the entire session. Not so if the male has just simply been promised a blow job. Then a slow job is tedious, and will make the blowee hate the blower a little bit and either wish they'd hurry the fuck up or pack it in altogether. Scenario B sure sucks, but not in a good way.
Can have consequences, such as spontaneous grabbing of the head and savage thrusting into the mouth, leading to potential teeth scraping injuries, possible gagging and dirty looks exchanged for weeks to come. However, the male should remain blameless for his reaction, as inexpert slow jobs are a form of torture, and not all men are trained to deal with that.
Slow jobs should only be attempted by those capable of making scenario A a reality, or those fully prepared to accept the aforementioned consequences of Scenario B.
Can have consequences, such as spontaneous grabbing of the head and savage thrusting into the mouth, leading to potential teeth scraping injuries, possible gagging and dirty looks exchanged for weeks to come. However, the male should remain blameless for his reaction, as inexpert slow jobs are a form of torture, and not all men are trained to deal with that.
Slow jobs should only be attempted by those capable of making scenario A a reality, or those fully prepared to accept the aforementioned consequences of Scenario B.
"I had the best slow job last night. I was handcuffed to the banister and she just spent a good half an hour at least on sucking my cock. It was legendary"
"I had the worst slow job last night! She said she was going to give me a BJ, so I thought I'd have cum by the time NCIS started. But no. It went on and fucking on, and I got bored and grabbed her head to finish it quicker. She bit me and called me a prick. Worst slow job EVER"
"I had the worst slow job last night! She said she was going to give me a BJ, so I thought I'd have cum by the time NCIS started. But no. It went on and fucking on, and I got bored and grabbed her head to finish it quicker. She bit me and called me a prick. Worst slow job EVER"
by MagickDio April 19, 2010
Get the Slow Job mug.Horny Eye Syndrome (HES) is an affliction rising from a lack of sexual intercourse, and can often prove to be quite dangerous. It is chiefly suspected when a person of prior good taste selects a heinous individual and genuinely acts as if that person is sexually attractive. It is mainly an optical problem, as the eyes of the HES sufferer have been reprogrammed by the brain and seek out the opposite sex to admire, regardless of appearance. However, since the brain has implemented this new system in an attempt to get its owner laid, and thus prevent itself from being shot out of its nice cosy head, this can also be classed as a psychological issue.
Symptoms include:
Flirting with any member of the opposite sex aged 16-100
Watching enough porn to mentally corrupt Satan
Breaking off, mid sentence, to stare at an extremely unimpressive person
Suddenly considering hoody wearing chavs to be sexy
Shocking outbursts of temper and/or crying
Muttering "I would!" after every mildly attractive person passes
Acting like a hyperactive, oversexed teen every time a genuinely attractive person comes into view.
Treatment involves either;
A group of generous friends willing to pay for a prostitute.
A REALLY generous friend of the opposite sex,
Sex with a totally horrifying person, (Which ususally leads to immediate self diagnosis of HES as soon as the act is complete)
Wanking oneself into a coma.
Symptoms include:
Flirting with any member of the opposite sex aged 16-100
Watching enough porn to mentally corrupt Satan
Breaking off, mid sentence, to stare at an extremely unimpressive person
Suddenly considering hoody wearing chavs to be sexy
Shocking outbursts of temper and/or crying
Muttering "I would!" after every mildly attractive person passes
Acting like a hyperactive, oversexed teen every time a genuinely attractive person comes into view.
Treatment involves either;
A group of generous friends willing to pay for a prostitute.
A REALLY generous friend of the opposite sex,
Sex with a totally horrifying person, (Which ususally leads to immediate self diagnosis of HES as soon as the act is complete)
Wanking oneself into a coma.
It was clear to everyone else in the park that Janet was suffering from Horny Eye Syndrome, as she walked seductively over to Barry, and watched him eating his burger, her expression clearly showing that she found the sauce dripping down his many chins to be highly erotic. Although it would indeed be cruel to allow her to leave with the morbidly obese Barry, her friends had certainly had enough of trying to reign in her Horny Eyed antics...and so they turned a blind eye as the pair disappeared, confident that self diagnosis would take place in aprroximately 10 minutes time.
by MagickDio June 3, 2010
Get the Horny Eye Syndrome mug.1) Bad music.
2) Gossip
3) Scripture
These three categories cover the types of material that are toxic to the ears and minds of those that are unfortunate enough to come into contact with them. The best way to deal with it depends on which category you have been exposed to.
For category 1, locate tracks by Stereophonics or Muse, press play, crank it up to 11 and take a deep breath.
For category 2, pass the gossip along immediately, thus forcing it to exit your mind.
For category 3, get drunk and fuck someone immediately.
2) Gossip
3) Scripture
These three categories cover the types of material that are toxic to the ears and minds of those that are unfortunate enough to come into contact with them. The best way to deal with it depends on which category you have been exposed to.
For category 1, locate tracks by Stereophonics or Muse, press play, crank it up to 11 and take a deep breath.
For category 2, pass the gossip along immediately, thus forcing it to exit your mind.
For category 3, get drunk and fuck someone immediately.
"I was getting a lift with Josh, but I'll be taking the bus from now on, due to the massive dose of Prince related ear poison he pumped into the car"
"Yeah, I heard about it, and I already passed that ear poison on, so I'm immune to your injection. Move it along!"
"Right, that's our weekly shot of ear poison done with until next sunday. Now let's go to Foxies and get us some whores!"
"Yeah, I heard about it, and I already passed that ear poison on, so I'm immune to your injection. Move it along!"
"Right, that's our weekly shot of ear poison done with until next sunday. Now let's go to Foxies and get us some whores!"
by MagickDio May 18, 2010
Get the Ear poison mug.1) David Dickinson, and Tim Wonnacott- those dicks from the TV show, Bargain Hunt. The fact that they are the king twats of daytime television, and that they presents a show called Bargain Hunt earns them each the title "Bargain Cunt"
2) A cheap hooker- probably all the cheaper because she has syphillis.
2) A cheap hooker- probably all the cheaper because she has syphillis.
1) "Urgh, change the channel to Fern and Phillip, those Bargain Cunts make me angry with their ridiculous "fun frame" glasses"
2) "So the GUM clinic called and said I have herpes. I knew I shouldn't have settled for Bargain Cunt"
2) "So the GUM clinic called and said I have herpes. I knew I shouldn't have settled for Bargain Cunt"
by MagickDio February 26, 2010
Get the Bargain Cunt mug.1) Discarded, half eaten kebabs that are strewn through the streets near bars after 2am at weekends.
2) Oral sex performed on someone in a park/carpark/shop doorway. A person does not necessarily have to be a tramp to perform or receive Tramp Nosh but it is reasonable to assume that at least one participant may be, due to the scabby choice of location.
2) Oral sex performed on someone in a park/carpark/shop doorway. A person does not necessarily have to be a tramp to perform or receive Tramp Nosh but it is reasonable to assume that at least one participant may be, due to the scabby choice of location.
1) "I can't eat this doner, I'm gonna puke. Do you want it?"
"Nah, throw it down, man. Let it become tramp nosh."
2) Claire regretted her choice to remain sober and be the designated driver as soon as she approached her car and noticed, all too clearly, the gentleman reclining against it, recieving an enthusiastic tramp nosh from a woman in pink pvc and hair glitter.
"Nah, throw it down, man. Let it become tramp nosh."
2) Claire regretted her choice to remain sober and be the designated driver as soon as she approached her car and noticed, all too clearly, the gentleman reclining against it, recieving an enthusiastic tramp nosh from a woman in pink pvc and hair glitter.
by MagickDio July 8, 2011
Get the Tramp Nosh mug.Used to describe the behaviour of a guy that is heterosexual but for some reason, is acting gayer than a sailor in hotpants. Sometimes this is down to an unfortunate, yet entertaining personality trait. Other times it's totally random. Some fine examples of this behaviour are seen in guys that check themselves out in shop windows, guys that snatch up a copy of "Heat" and stare at the front page in clear disbelief, guys that say "Oh. My. GOD!!!", and guys that wave with all their fingers waggling like incy wincy spider.
-"Did you see that Beyoncé lost 12 pounds on a maple syrup diet? It's right here, look at this copy of Heat! Oh. My. GOD!!"
-"Dude, you're on the wrong side! We're here to buy porn!"
~ "Look at John, waving like a teenage harlot. He's on the wrong side today, that's for sure"
-"Dude, you're on the wrong side! We're here to buy porn!"
~ "Look at John, waving like a teenage harlot. He's on the wrong side today, that's for sure"
by MagickDio March 2, 2010
Get the Wrong Side mug.